As I spend yet another evening finding a hotel room for a soccer weekend, I came across Tru by Hilton.
‘What do we have here?’ I thought as I saw the bright splashy colors and the minimalistic designs. I clicked on the pictures to see a gaming area then these pod like areas to work. After Googling it, I found a Conde Nast article. Here are the first 3 paragraphs, describing Tru by Hilton:
No offense to millennials but this hotel sounds like my worst nightmare. No coffee makers in the rooms? Craft beer? Rooms around 250 square feet? And you know what? I don’t want to get out of my room. In fact, I want an employee at the hotel to bring me steak, mashed potatoes and a bottle of wine so I can eat on my bed in a terry cloth robe. That being said, I realized they need to invent a hotel for Generation X’ers, specifically with kids. If I could have a hotel for my generation, here’s what it would look like:
Ambien by Hilton
Price range: $125-$300
Available Room Options
Padded/sound proof room: for screaming families
Self-cleaning rooms: Once a family leaves, the door locks, the room heats up to 500 degrees and all the crumbs, trash, and piss in the bathroom, burn off.
Quiet room: This is a room within a room. It’s a small room that’s completely dark with a lock. Either mom or dad can lock themselves in for 15-20 minutes at a time to regroup as they are over-stimulated from the days shenanigans.
- 2 rooms (400-600 square feet) separated by a sound proof door with a lock. You need an oasis away from your kids and/or husband.
- Complimentary wine in every room. This doesn’t have to be expensive. A nice table wine would do. Upon booking, one can specify white or red.
- Flattering lighting in the bathroom.
- A pool nanny so when your kids get in and out 400 times, someone responsible (and sober) is there.
- Stank room. This stank room is where the hotel concierge would hold all cleats, bags and uniforms in an air tight room so you wouldn’t have to smell the stink. Hotel staff would be required to suit up, similar to that of a power plant worker.
- V.I.P Poo would be a complimentary toiletry since you’re dealing with one toilet and 4 people.
- XBox 1 in every room for when you hear “I’m bored” 4 million times.
- Complimentary Breakfast including:
- Bacon would be mandatory at every breakfast.
- There would be no waffle machine for kids to fight over using.
- Orange juice glasses would be a practical 10 ounces in lieu of the ridiculous 2 ounce size typically presented. We’re ‘Mericans people. Go big or go home!
- There would be no dress code other than, you can’t come down to breakfast in your pajamas!
- Complimentary Happy Hours between 4PM-9PM
- Check-out 2PM
Do you like my hotel? I know I do. I’m sure I’ll think of a few other perks I would love in this Gen X hotel but for now, those are the first that come to mind. I think the perks of Ambien by Hilton far out way the perks of Tru by Hilton. What would you want in the perfect hotel? You never know, perhaps a hotelier is listening.