When you go on Etsy, the following question should appear before continuing:
HAVE YOU HAD MORE THAN 3 DRINKS?
Like weed, porn and alcohol websites, I know you can lie about your age but at least they did their due diligence and asked. I think Etsy should do that, given that drunk purchases are a thing.
While in Canton, Ohio (Cleveland suburb) I found this beautiful necklace in a terrarium store. If you don’t know what a terrarium is, don’t worry, I barely know. It’s like a tiny, indoor garden in a jar, a ball….or whatever. I think you can add tiny gnomes or fairies. It really was stupid for me to buy it because the front of the necklace was open and of course, I fell asleep with it on and all the shit fell out.
I loved it so much though, that I searched Etsy for something similar. Fortunately, I found one that was enclosed. I loved it so much that when I broke it, I ordered another one. When another style was available, I ordered that one too. She offered beautiful candles that were dressed in dried flowers and oils. The icing on the cake is everything she made came beautifully packaged and smelled wonderful.
Etsy + Wine = 1 Voodoo Doll
One night, and under the influence of several glasses of Cabernet, I decided to see what else this wonderful retailer offered. Everything was super cute and super cute is my spirit animal. After a few minutes, I came across an ugly, but intriguing little doll.
‘What do we have here?’
The listing was for a creepy little black skeleton, wearing a turban and a very primitive dress that could have been made from burlap or hemp. This wasn’t a Barbie or Cabbage Patch Kid, this was indeed a voodoo doll.
The listing clearly had my attention. It turns out, I had a good friend that had been wronged by a particular asshole and could very much use this. But I would be lying if I were to say I wasn’t intimidated. I mean, knowing my luck, I’d be spending the holidays with a priest trying to remove all the bad shit I had brought into my house thanks to this evil little nugget I had stumbled upon.
To put my mind at ease, I decided to message the shop owner. I told her my concerns and what I wanted to buy it for. It turns out, she has a special soft spot in her heart for assholes, cheating assholes. She told me exactly which doll would be perfect and to add a note with my order so she knew it was me. She promised to send exactly what was needed and with that, I shut my laptop and went to bed.
Ten days and $25 dollars later, I held the doll in my hands. It came with a set of crystal pins, a dressed tealight candle and directions on how to baptize your doll and use it. I was also preparing to explain how I came across a voodoo doll and why I bought it without sounding completely insane.
Voodoo Doll Introductions
Because I had a few days before I’d be giving the doll to my friend, I decided to introduce my new sidekick to my other friend. Her sense of humor is as inappropriate as mine so obviously she needed to be brought in on my shenanigans.
“Open it,” I said as I nodded my head towards the wrapped surprise.
She gingerly unwrapped the pink tissue paper and just stared at the contents.
“It’s a voodoo doll for NG!” I said, not waiting for her to get the words out.
“Oh my God!” She said stunned.
“Lift its skirt up!” I said, barely able to control my anticipation.
She picked the doll up and slowly lifted the skirt up. There, underneath, the seller had added a big black dick! It been hot glued onto the torso. She looked at me, then back at the doll and lost her shit.
“It’s attached with hot glue!” I could barely get out between giggles. “If it falls off, does that mean that his dick falls off?” I asked, genuinely perplexed. I felt like this was a very valid concern given that hot glue isn’t always super strong.
The time had finally come to give Lil’ Dicky to my friend. I didn’t know if she’d find it hilarious or a reason to have me involuntarily committed. No matter, I had grown fond of this little doll and couldn’t wait to share the love…or curse…or whatever this was. We decided to meet at a Mexican restaurant one Tuesday night. She knew I had a gift and to say I was excited to give it to her was an understatement. I began with a preface.
“You’re probably going to think I’m bat shit crazy and maybe I am,” I said. This left NG with a look of concern in her eyes. I mean, I’ve bought some really obnoxious gifts in my life my last gift to another friend, a penis-shaped charcuterie board.
“But know this was specially made for you,” I said, patting the black gift bag for drama. “You can use it, trash it, I don’t care,” I lied. I didn’t want to see Lil’ Dicky in the trash. I handed her the bag. She reached inside, and carefully unwrapped the gift.
“What the hell….” She said puzzled, holding Lil’ Dicky up to inspect. I looked around, embarrassed. She followed my gaze and quickly put it back in the bag.
“Are you insane?” She asked me.
“It’s a long story,” I said and for the next five minutes, regaled her with who made Lil’ Dicky, why he was made and how much of a wonderful friend I obviously am for such a thoughtful (useful) gift.
I need to follow up with NG to see if she’s made good use of Lil’ Dicky. My hope is when I receive her Christmas card, Lil’ Dicky is wearing a matching Christmas sweater, having become part of her family.
I’ll wrap this post up with this, if you’ve had more than 3 drinks, it’s a good idea to stay off Etsy. But if you want to throw caution to the wind, click here to buy your own voodoo doll!