Mullets are Back So Clearly the World is Ending

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What we thought would never see the light of day again.

As a child of the 80’s and a teen of the 90’s, I’ve spent decades, quietly putting the mullet to the respected death it deserves. Around 2005, I was confident that all my Gen X’ers and I had succeeded in it’s demise. It was like an unwritten rule that we wouldn’t talk about the mullet nor regale children about the glory days of it. We thought we were successful and like the black death, would never have to experience it again.

Then 2023 happened.

Toward the end of the school year this Spring, I was dropping off a folder at the high school, that my son had forgotten. As I put my car in park, I looked up and did a doubletake. A boy was going into the main entrance and looked over in my direction, sporting a mullet. Sure, on a rare occasion, you’d run into a 40+ man who clearly didn’t make that natural progression away from the mullet. Hell, sometimes these unicorns would even rocked a pornstache on his face but someone under the age of 20? I shook my head, attributing this poor choice to poor parenting and went about my day.

Then 2023 Fall happened.

These fucking mullets are everywhere! I cannot believe that boys are choosing, literally of their own free will, to have a mullet. I see them at soccer games, at the store and driving. We did not make it out of 80’s fashion for this shit to happen all over again. No joke, as a generation, I feel like we failed this new generation in this respect.

Trying to Reason Why the Mullet Came Back

It bothers me so much that I’ve sat down and tried to reason why we’re seeing mullets. The only plausible theory I came up with is that it’s the natural progression of men’s hairstyles and I base this on history. In the 70s, the mop top was popular before the mullet. Then some genius (or geniass in my mind), took a razor and shaved off the hair on each side of their head. For the past 4 years, the popular hairstyle has been the mop top. My sons and most of their friends have mop tops. Mop tops are how my youngest gets the girls. He has hundreds, if not thousands of comments on his Tiktok about his hair. In the back of my head, I knew what the next evolution of this hairstyle would be, but it was such a dystopian future, that I’d never entertain the thought.

Other Shitty Things that are Back from the 80’s

mom jeansMaybe because we didn’t talk about how horrible the mullet was is why it came back. Kids don’t know that there is an entire generation of adults who wince when they look at their old high school yearbook or watch a video with them in it. Hindsight is 20/20 and I’m guessing thousands of adults absolutely regret getting that haircut.

And maybe we didn’t shut the shit down early enough. What I mean by that is I feel this whole “embrace the 80’s” thing started with the mom jean. Like the mullet, we spent decades attempting to eradicate the mom jean. And we were successful for many years, leaving only the frumpiest to carry on with the style. Then, like the ass hole that started the mullet trend, an equal ass hole started pulling their jeans up to their tits and calling it fashion. That’s not fashion. It makes you look like you have an abnormally huge abdomen and an abnormally long ass.

But let’s go a step further as there’s another trend hitting mainstream and that’s the carpenter jean. So if you don’t want to look like you have an odd torso, throw these bad boys on so you can look like fashion eludes you. My friend jokingly said she wants to get a pair and hang a dildo where the hammer’s supposed to go. So if we do that, please expect an entire post on this.

P.S. Let’s all pray to the sweet baby Jesus that mall bangs don’t come back.


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