Because of the last 2 days, I feel 100% qualified to write about how to be a decent human being with emails. If emails are just today’s version of writing letters, then why are people so ignorant when sending them? How can someone make 6 figures, yet have the mannerisms of a 4-year-old with this form of communication? Oh yeah, cause money doesn’t buy class. So let’s review how to be a decent human being with emails.
1. Spell Check
Check your fucking emails before sending them. Pardon the French, this early into my post but I’ll explain. Why do emails look as if they were composed by babies? I’d say about every other day, I have to respond to an email with, “I don’t understand what you are saying”. Is there a function in Outlook that finishes words (like texts)? If so, Outlook should have the following disclaimer: IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL BEFORE SENDING, DO NOT USE THIS PROGRAM. Don’t believe me? Here are 3 I’ve received since last Thursday:
We wil leed to find a replacement for this replacement.
Please set up the attached item for special order and passion number.
That helps me a bunch the information you just for termite and I am all set.
Use ASAP wisely friend. If you say something is ASAP and we both know it’s not, then guess what? I’ll mosey on over to the restroom and maybe flip through Vogue on the john. Next, I’ll fill up my water bottle. Since the water fountain is next to the break room that has all the amazing, large windows, I’ll walk in there and bask in the sunshine for roughly 10 minutes. When I’m good and ready, I’ll walk back to my cube, check 20 new emails that have come in since yours and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll respond to your ASAP email. And God help you if use ASAP in the following way: “Call me ASAP!”
3. No Please, No Thank You
When you grew up in the barn, did ma’ and pa’ not teach you the magic words? When you say something like, “call me ASAP”, do you think I’ll call you? No, no I won’t. As elementary as not farting in the workplace, you would think pleases and thank yous would be a given. And don’t end an email with “regards” in lieu of thank you. What the fuck is that? I only use regards when I’m emailing someone I detest.
4. Marking Something Urgent When It’s Not
An email is to be marked urgent if it’s URGENT. If you send an email that says “thank you” and mark it urgent, I will drop kick your ass, and I’ll come over to your cube to do it.
5. Copying My Boss In An Effort to Tattle
Are we 3rd graders here? What’s your game plan? Are you tattling on me? When I email just you, why do you respond back, cc’ing my boss and your boss; insinuating I messed up? This actually happened yesterday but really, this person had dropped the ball so essentially, they tattled on themselves. I screw up several times, every week. Just today, I found myself in my boss’s office announcing, “I 100% screwed up. I’m really sorry.” My shit stinks, I own it and you should too.
6. Not Answering My Questions
Just when I think I’ve made something idiot proof, along comes the village idiot to challenge it. For example, I’ll list out brief, yet specific bullet points questions that I need answered. And do you know what happens? When someone doesn’t know the answer, they simply just skip over the question, as if it’s optional, and that’s adorable.
7. Big Words
There is someone who not only sends me painfully long emails, but uses words that haven’t been used since the Jacobean era. It’s so blatant that I think it’s on purpose. It’s annoying especially as a writer because I don’t know what they mean and immediately Google the word. Just this past week, this person has used words like asininity and smidgen. Smidg-what? I know that most people don’t have to deal with this but I’ve made a decision that for every email I receive with asininity or smidgen, I’m going to respond back with an over the top, ridiculous word in the body of the email. No matter how big-headed this person is in their emails, it was absolutely divine when I corrected his misuse of a French saying last Fall.
C’est la vie!