On more than one occasion my co-worker has announced she wished she would win the lottery or that she needs to find a sugar daddy. She is in her 50’s, beautiful and knows everything there is to know about the food business. I help her with excel and tech, she helps me with food questions.
Below, I’ve devised a sugar daddy test that she can give to all future suitors. I feel the below will be a quick and efficient way to snuff out any duds, a.k.a a man with the net worth of 30k. The below test is similar to the one I created earlier this year for our new co-worker to ensure she could handle the kind of office I work in (inappropriate and humorous). You can read that one here. Feel free to print off and submit to anyone you are on the fence about!
STAFFORD-BRIGGS SUGAR DADDY TEST
In an effort to assess your sugar daddy status we have partnered with the Stafford-Briggs Institute to develop this scientific test. Please answer honestly. You’ll have approximately 15 minutes to complete. Fill out all answers with a #2 pencil. If you brought your quill and ink well, please disregard this test.
How would you describe your current exercise routine?
- I’m able to do 5 sit ups
- I stay active and drink Ensure
- I enjoy weekly water aerobics
- I’m knocking on death’s door
My current residence is (check all that apply):
- Summer home/condo
- Assisted Living
- Nursing Home
I would describe my net worth as:
- HUGE (like my penis)
- Pretty good, I don’t like to brag
- I started saving in my 401K when I was 50
- Like a fish net? I don’t have any of ‘dose
I estimate I will be dead in_____ years
- Less than a year
- 1-4 years
- 5-10 years
- 11+ years (if you select this answer, please stop taking the test, you’re not close enough to death)
I have ____ liver spots?
- 5+ (I look like a turd)
I will require sex:
- Every day
- Once a week
- Never (I can’t get it up anymore)
I like my breath to smell like ________
- The black coffee I’ve been drinking all day
- Fig Newtons
- All of the above
My ideal restaurant, at 4 p.m. includes (check all that apply):
- Golden Corral
- MCL Cafeteria
- The hospital
- Ruth Chris
- Bob Evans
- I don’t ever go out
- Fig Newtons
I drink the following each week:
- I don’t drink, that’s the devil’s drink
Would you be willing to marry without a prenuptial agreement? _______
Do you have a life insurance policy? ______
Your Stafford-Briggs Sugar Daddy Test is complete! Please let us know how you would like to be contacted should you meet the eligibility requirements (please circle):
Telephone Mail Carrier Pigeon Telegraph
Now if that doesn’t land the ultimate sugar daddy, I don’t know what will!!
hehe! I think I’m going to give up on trying to find my perfect guy and just try to find a sugar daddy. I’ll email all completed forms to you and you can let me know which one to reel in.
Thank you! I will let you know how they rank on the sugar daddy scale and if they qualify as a sugar daddy. We guarantee 100% results here at the Hot Mess Institute of Super Sciencey Stuff.
Well if you guarantee 100% results, I’ll just leave the whole process in your hands lol. Email me when you find a suitable match for me.
I think that would be best. 😉
lol well based on the fb message I sent you last night, I’m *clearly* not the right person for the job haha!
Obviously, his breath should smell like Fig Newtons. What’s the ideal number of liver spots?
Hmmm….that’s a good question! The number that gets my friend closer to an insurance policy???
Maybe it’s like a ratio– spots to age?
HAHA! This test is perfect! Loved the question on where they lived…’assisted living, nursing home’ You know you are onto a winner if the answer is one of these!
Right? I love doing these “tests”.
Me too, they are always such fun 🙂