Today we had a few people in to interview for a new position. I appreciate that the manager is being very careful to select someone who would work well with all of us. This is important given that if you take the maturity level of all of us combined, we may equal one 14-year-old school boy.
Seeing the interviews today brought back the memory of the snowflake test I created for our incoming co-worker a few years ago. She passed with flying colors. Later that same year, I made a special test for my co-worker to identify suitable sugar daddies for her. If you want to check out either test, here you go!
And so, I created a cubicle mate test. This test can be administered to all existing cube mates or incoming cube mates. It’s kinda like the dorm room pairing I never went through in college. Where they try to find someone with similar interests. At the bottom, is the PDF of the test should you wish to print it out.
Cube Mate Application
The Myers-Bandelton Cube Mate Application was developed in partnership with the Hot Mess Institute of Central Ohio and 2 somewhat scientific scientists. Please answer all questions honestly. You have 15 minutes to complete the test. If you go over 15 minutes, the administrator will immediately rip up your test and write loser on your forehead. Good luck!
- How would you best describe your past cubicle cleaning habits?
- I dust my paperclips.
- I try to wipe down my cube once a week.
- I average 2-3 cups on my desk from previous lunches.
- I’m a hoarder. Occasionally my cube tends to smell.
- What music do you listen to?
- The slow, sexual sounds of jazz.
- Heavy metal, all day every day.
- Top 40.
- I don’t listen to music.
- Please circle all of the below that you deem acceptable acts within your cube:
- Apply deodorant
- Clip finger nails
- Paint finger nails
- Eat tuna, Chipotle or Indian
- Play music to whatever level I deem fit
- Clip toe nails
- Talk to my lover on the phone
- Spray hairspray
- Complete the following sentence:
I normally eat my lunch ____________________ and I think it’s __________________ to eat smelly food at my desk.
5. Despite being told to respect other’s space, I think it’s completely acceptable to put phone calls on speaker for no reason other than I’m too damn lazy to hold the receiver.
6. Select which sentence best describes your cubicle decorating style:
- Super trendy, cute and simple. Only so much can fit in a cubicle.
- I hang every paper I’ve ever referenced up so I can see it. My cubicle resembles a scene out of Beautiful Mind.
- Pictures of my fur baby. And I will tell you all about my fur baby and how he’s just like your child.
7. From 1-4 with 1 being your top pick, number who you would prefer to be your cube mate from this list:
- Martha Stewart____
- Rod Stewart____
- Will Ferrell ____
- Miley Cyrus____
- Please circle all that apply to your cubicle behaviors:
- I laugh loud and obnoxiously.
- I talk to myself sometimes.
- I talk to myself frequently.
- I will borrow anything I need without asking.
- I will go through your drawers.
- I will eat your food.
Thank you for filling out the application to be my cube mate. If selected, you will be notified within 24 hours. Please note that if selected and you lied on this test, I will immediately place all contents of your cube in the handicap stall of the restroom.