I had so much fun writing 8 ways to be a Decent Human Being at the Grocery Store, I decided to do another and this time I’m discussing the office. I know I’m going to miss some but these have always been the rules I try to follow/avoid in the workplace. I’ve worked in several offices for over 15 years and the list below reflects the biggest infractions I’ve come across.
Telephone & Email
Don’t have your desk phone ring louder than a tornado siren. Unless you’re Oprah, your desk probably isn’t in another wing of the office. Hell, you’re probably in a cubicle. Additionally, don’t have your cell volume on full blast, leave your desk and allow for 35 rings before it goes to voicemail.
I will never send someone an email, stand up like a ground-hog and ask the co-worker I just sent it to, “did you get my e-mail?” Oh my God! Calm down!
If you must place a call, why do people put it on speaker first to dial (which the dial tone always seems loud enough for Russia to hear), then when the person on the other end picks up, then and only then, do they pick up the receiver? Was it too hard to pick up first, dial then talk? Is it too heavy?
If you didn’t book the conference room, you shouldn’t be in there. I thought this was common sense but it’s not. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve booked a conference room only to find it occupied. Additionally, you’ve got the people who actually did schedule the room but are completely oblivious that they have gone over time. I think there should be a mechanism that if the people in the room before you run over by more than 5 minutes, the floor instantly gives out and all participants fall into a dungeon, similar to the dungeon Jabba the Hutt kept under his bar.
I don’t care if you’re the Pope. If you book a meeting for a certain time, be on time. What is it about big wigs always arriving late then typing away on their cell phone. Put it down Daddy Warbucks, I know for a fact your not texting the Dalai Lama.
Why when you use the restroom, you sometimes feel as if you share it with savages? If I drop toilet paper on the floor, guess what? I pick it up! I had a co-worker once tell us that she found a turd….yes, a human turd in our bathroom. Savages.
If you had a Garlic Tuna Delight for dinner the night before, do not bring that shit into the office the next day and warm it up. I don’t need the leftover particles of tuna you heated in the microwave (for the entire building to smell, thank you very much), wrapping its stink onto my Healthy Choice.
I love the people who print off a small rain forest and not refill the paper. If I print out more than 50 pages, I add paper. Duh.
Long-Windedness (not a word so I invented it)
Occasionally, you’ll get the story-teller. Guess what bard? This isn’t Denmark circa 671. We aren’t sitting around a fire while you tell us tales of the Gods. Your story isn’t interesting and you’ve essentially told me the same damn thing but in different ways 5 times.
So can you relate? Do any of these sound familiar? I could probably go on and on and on but I’m not long-winded and I won’t. I would love to hear what you have encountered or currently encounter at your place of employment!
This list has aggravated my PTSD from working in an Ortho office. I can feel my left eye starting to twitch…..
Sorry! The last thing I want to do is induce additional eye twitching!
In all reality, your post just reminded me again how glad I am to be out of the office setting. Being a nurse is hard enough, but working in an office was a nightmare for me! I would rather be in the ER any day over the weirdo office politics.
That’s so funny because after crapping on the delivery table in front of my nurse, I instantly wondered how nurses do it. My mother was a nurse and would come home with horror stories in her early days of sponge baths gone wrong and even being pricked by a needle from an AIDS patient. You guys earn every penny!!!
Honestly most things really didn’t bother me at all. I can do poop, pee, vomit, and blood. The only thing that really got me was sputum, the sound of a big loogie in the throat made me feel faint, and very gaggy. Suctioning a trach would almost make me pass out. Needless to say, I was never able to work in the ICU since I get woozie with trach care. SO, I stuck to the ER with all the blood, poop and vomit. We all have our strengths 🙂 And PS, almost everyone poops on the table while pushing out a baby, dont let them tell you otherwise.
I still don’t know how you do it. I was feeling disgusted just reading off that list. Thank you for making me feel better about the poop. I didn’t know I did it till I heard “thud” “thud” and I’m like, “oh my God, did I just poop?” And the nurse was like “don’t worry about it, everyone does.” Just like you said!! 🙂
Fun Fact, they used to give women laxatives before birth so they would be cleaned out…….however all that does is cause projectile diarrhea during delivery. Ah, the joys of childbirth….
How about the person that still insists on coming into work even though they clearly have the plague and are coughing and spluttering everywhere spreading their deathly germs for all the office to enjoy. Caring is not always sharing.
Oh yes, I feel like sterilizing EVERYTHING after they’ve been around. It sucks b/c I only have 12 paid days off a year so I have to choose them wisely. There have been times I go to work under the weather but I’m not on my death bed. And you are right. Caring is not always sharing!
I’m thinking about printing this out and leaving it in the mailboxes of some (all) of my coworkers…
The guy who has the office next to mine routinely leaves his cell phone here (????), and his alarm goes off every morning (I get here way before he does). No, sorry, alarmS. It drives me insane. Additionally, I have a coworker who writes her emails in all caps. Every. Single. One. AND my boss is always making calls without picking up the receiver; it’s the most exciting when he checks his voicemail and it sounds like a robot is coming through the phone to kill us all.
God yes! Please print this out and annoyomously deliver to everyone’s mailbox. Even easier? Send the link to the entire office via a distro list. Why do people do this? Are they missing that gene that tells them to look inward and make sure they aren’t being annoying? I try to be self aware and how my actions impact others. Here is the other post I wrote about awful cube mates. If you get a chance to read, you’ll have to tell me if any of these sound familiar. https://hotmessmemoir.com/2017/09/29/10-cubicle-faux-pas/
Fantastic ideas. And I guess so. Somehow I’m able to always be aware that my coworkers are in the building and that an open door of an office lets music/sound out, so I always find it puzzling when others are totally oblivious to this. Oh and that post is also excellent – I commented there too. 😉
I mean….where were these people raised? A barn? But honestly, now that I said that it got me thinking. I never had office ettiquette 101 in high school or college. I guess we just assume that by default, common sense kicks in and people are self aware. Obviously that isn’t the case in all situations.
Omg the guy I was seeing in October would call me, and if I couldn’t pick up, as soon as it rung out I’d get a text saying “I called you” Like um yes I can see that!
Also stinky food is a no-go! I don’t work in the office but I hate when the students in the house use the microwave to heat up their fish. I know they live here too but gross. I can’t wait to potentially move into the nanny suite and have my own microwave!
Long windedness – that can apply to my comments or my blog posts or the text messages I send you when complaining about stupid boys or giggling girls. Sorry dude! haha!
I know it’s not the same as working in an office, but I think almost everyone can relate to these things.
Never be sorry! I enjoy your texts and messages! I’m just sorry I can’t get to them quicker! But yeah, all the stuff I mentioned seems to happen anywhere you have to interact with other people: dorms, break rooms, etc.
Haha okies! And its all good about replying!
I think everyone can relate to all of those things lol
I have been a stay at home mother for almost 9 years now, but I completely concur with the points you make. I had to laugh at “Long Windedness”. My husband has commented about my “long windedness” when writing emails, so now when I write professional emails, I strive for the short and sweet method. I think that being an ex-elementary school teacher, I was used to explaining every little detail – like I had to do in class (otherwise my room would become a war zone). 😉
Long winded people are THE WORST! They are the reason I don’t answer my phone…..ever. There is one vendor that I’ve never, ever seen anything like it. It was so bad that a co-worker once flat out told him his emails were too long. I’m glad he took one for the team because I could never say that. As for a stay at home mom….that is the hardest job and in my mind, trumps all annoyances I complained about. After weekends being couped up with my children, I literally skip to work.
Tea bags in the sink !! Don’t get it ?
Shut up! Are you serious? People leave tea bags in the sink? How tacky. I can’t stand people that leave crumbs all over the table in the break room or bits of napkin on a table. Pick that s*** up! You weren’t born in a barn!!
People are crazy rude. Vile
I have a philosophy to leave a place better than I found it. These people are just stupid lazy.
Out of all the points you listed above, the one that erks me the most is the tiny bits of toilet paper on the floor in the restroom. Like… seriously!? Is this what you people do at home?? I hope not, you bunch of nasty ass children. ‘But I don’t want to touch the bathroom floor…’ that’s why you grab a NEW piece of toilet paper and grab the one of the floor with it. It’s not fuckin’ rocket science people!!
Sorry. That really pisses me off.
And one to add to the list; people who hit Reply All when they really shouldn’t and/or being in a string of emails that have nothing to do with you or your duties.
On a more personal level, anytime there is an event (office party, meeting, etc), I’m the one that arranges the logistics. I have a running hit-list of people who don’t follow explicit instructions when it comes to registrations and/or deadlines. ‘But I wanted a gluten free lunch…’ WELL THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE PREREGISTERED AND SUBMITTED A LUNCH REQUEST SUSAN, YOU FUCKING MORON!!!!
Ha! Love all your comments as they are so true! I do the exact same thing when it comes to toilet paper. The reply all, I wanna be like really? Really dude? Oh here’s one: someone copies your boss when they are expressing their dislike of something you did or accuses you of something. Thanks for throwing me under the bus! No, I get it. Like family, you usually can’t pick your coworkers.