I really didn’t know what to call this post. Obviously you see the title that won- The Special Stank of a Boy. I also toyed with titles such as X Ways to be a Decent Human Being in a Hotel Room as well as, Nothing Is Working and I Want to Suck My Thumb, Again.
I’m here once again in exotic Dayton, Ohio for a soccer tournament. It’s about 85 degrees now with 200% humidity so I’ve given up on looking any other way other than someone who just moved furniture for 8 hours.
I guess let’s start with my mental state. I was never able to articulate this until I read Amy Schuemer’s book, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo. She explained it perfectly and it’s this: it’s not that I’m anti-social, I love people. It’s just that being around people for long periods of time is draining. I need to recharge and how I do that is being by myself. I love being around people every day but I also love being by myself. When that balance is thrown off, I get snippy and annoyed.
This leads into our current accommodations. We do everything in our power to find a hotel with 2 separate rooms, like Embassy Suites. What pisses me off more than anything is when hotels throw a sofa in the same room as the bed(s) and call it a suite. That’s not a suite, that’s a studio and you know it hotels. Anyway, I found a Hampton Inn and “Suites” 20 minutes from the field. I would have found closer but I was tasked with finding 20 rooms and I’m not about picking a shit holes. This hotel had been remodeled in December of last year and was acceptable, despite the distance.
I’ll paint you a picture of our studio, not suite, this afternoon. My husband and sons of course had the Buckeyes game blaring on the television. Chris laid on one bed while another dad sat on the other bed. Together, they were coaching the Buckeyes. Carter was declaring boredom every 5 minutes. Parker and his friend were hauling in 8 gallon drums of ice so Parker could take an ice bath. Soccer balls, backpacks and bags laid around. And the worst thing? The smell.
The stank of a boy is very special. Dear God, I can’t explain to you how bad it is. No actually I can. It’s like (and stick with me) if a Christmas tree had a body odor. It smells like pine, but not in a good way. When my sons unzip their soccer bags to retrieve cleats it suddenly smells like what Christmas would smell like, but in hell. I didn’t even know this odor was possible. And I can’t get rid of it. I stashed their soccer backpacks on the left side of a cabinet that the television was on. This attempt proved futile as the right cabinet held our clothes and now made the clothes smell horrible.
When I was driving Parker to the soccer fields and he opened his backpack to retrieve his cleats, I nearly threw up. Despite the humidity, I immediately rolled down the windows and had to breathe through my mouth. That’s when I sent my husband the following text:
And that’s exactly what we did. We found the closest store that would have shoe deodorizer which was Field and Stream, a hunting and fishing store.
“Now if they happen to have room deodorizers or scented candles, get those too,” I tasked my husband as he was getting out of the car.
“Yes, surely they’ll have Camo Chamomile Febreeze along with Deer Piss Candles,” he said, slightly annoyed. I’ve never been in a Field and Stream. I don’t know all the offerings and I’m desperate at this point.
Back at the Hotel
As I walked back into the hotel room with our newly purchased anti-stink balls, the smell was overwhelming. How the hell is this smell possible from 2 humans with a combined total body weight of 180 pounds? I’m just not following the science.
My final attempt at removing the stank involved placing their cleats, shin guards and backpacks in the cabinet under the wet bar sink. I went into the bathroom to find my best smelling spray which turned out to be dry shampoo and sprayed it around the room like Febreeze. It had the effect I wanted but only for a few minutes.
So guys, at this point and short of burning their shoes, I’ve got nothin’. I cannot do the other 4 upcoming tournaments with this kind of stink. Any ideas?