Customer Service · First World Problems · Soccer · Work

How to Be a Decent Human Being at a Hotel

I realized I hadn’t done a how to be a decent human being post in ages. After spending 8 days out of this month at 3 different hotels for work and soccer, it came to me that I hadn’t written about how to be a decent human being at a hotel. For years, I spent traveling for work and have stayed in some of the worst and best hotels in the country.

By the way, if you want to check out more of my “How to Be a Decent Human Being” posts, here are a few….

In the Restroom

At Work

On an Airplane

How to Be a Decent Human Being at a Hotel

Breakfast Attire

Let’s start with my biggest pet peeve: PEOPLE WHO WEAR PAJAMAS TO THE HOTEL BREAKFAST. Yes, that gets all caps because it deserves all caps. You aren’t at your fuckin’ house! I’m not asking you to run a brush through your hair or even brush your teeth. Just change out of your pajama set because in no way, shape or form does it constitute as lounge wear.

2 weeks ago, there was an entire family, yes family all in their pajamas. The kids were bare foot while the mom had slippers on. Sure, this was one of those extend-a-stay hotels but you know what? There’s a kitchen in your room for a reason.

Breakfast Food

While we’re on the topic of breakfast, let’s discuss the breakfast line. This is going to sound impatient but I have zero tolerance for people who don’t need to be slow but are. While approaching the breakfast line, you would think it was an exotic spread from Thailand. They approach scrambled eggs as if they had never seen such wonderment. And what are these delicate breads with a hole in the middle? It’s all so, so decadent……

No it’s not! It’s the God damn Hampton Inn, so grab your bagel and move on.


This is tricky when staying in a room with multiple people. You want to be at home in your room yet then again, you don’t want all 350 square feet to smell like spoiled ass. So here are your options:

A. Bring a little bottle of V.I.P Poo. It’s that spray that locks the nasty smell in the bowl. It works really well.

B. If you’re gonna do #2 and you don’t have the above spray, do a courtesy flush. It will still smell bad but not as bad.

C.* Go use the public restroom in the lobby. I do this sometimes but not when it’s only 1 stall. That totally defeats the purpose.

*This is the ONLY option if you are staying in a room with a co-worker or a new significant other. They are to never know you shit.

The Pool Area

Occasionally, I’ll force myself to weed whack, don a bathing suit and make my way to the indoor pool. All the stars have to align and it has to be a harvest moon but occasionally I’ll do it. What I can’t stand when I get down there are the pool brats.

“Hot Mess, what the fucks a pool brat?”

It’s multiple children, 100% unsupervised by their “parents”. They are running around the pool, dangerously close to the edge, and that’s just the toddlers. Then you have the 11-year-old husky kid who’s discovered cannon balls. You know what? No more bitching because I’ve just discovered another “How to Be a Decent Human Being” for the pool.


Just because you don’t have to clean up after yourself doesn’t mean you should trash the room. I’ve walked into co-worker’s rooms before and gasp at the pigsty. What do their apartments look like? No matter if I’m at someone’s home or paying good money for a hotel room, I am of the thought, “leave it better than you found it”. Now obviously that doesn’t mean a hotel room but if you have trash, throw it in the f’ing trash can. If you have used towels, put them in 1 pile and not a path leading to the closet.

Slamming Doors

Since when did hotel doors have to be as thick or as loud as a bank vault door? When hotel doors slam shut, it’s like the entrance to a maximum security prison. Now usually, my room is beside an Olympic athlete who feels the need to train at 4 a.m. so at 4 I hear,


then at 5:30 a.m….


He/she is back from training. Then at 6:30 a.m….


It’s breakfast time!


They’re back at 7 a.m. and by now, I want to murder their face.

So yeah, those are a few of my pet peeves. I know I have several more but I don’t like to talk your ears off so perhaps I’ll save them for another post. Unless you are Amish (scratch that, I saw Amish people at a hotel a few months ago) or have lived under a rock, I know you’ve had to stay at a hotel, motel….Holiday Inn. What things piss you off?


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12 thoughts on “How to Be a Decent Human Being at a Hotel

  1. A thousand times yes I agree with absolutely every single thing here. I’d also add porno style sex noises – nobody needs to be hearing that especially at silly o’clock!

    1. Oh God yes! On that topic, I love how you turn on the hotel channel and there’s this continous loop of movie trailers then theres the trailer for the adult channel. It’s a sexy voice and all you hearover and over again is, “after hours”.

  2. Ooo I ageee with these! I was raised that when you’re at a hotel, you take all your used towels and put them into the bathtub. That way the person coming to clean just has to scoop them up and off they go! Haha

    One thing I hate about hotels isn’t the other people but it’s how they make the bed!! Once when I was like 10 or something my family was staying at a hotel (before they had signs to not change the linens every day if you were ok with that) and every night I would rip the blankets out from under the mattress and I even left a little note in my cute little kid writing asking them not to tuck them back in but every day they did! I feel suffocated when that happens lol

    1. Wait, you hate how tight the bed is? Oh man, I freaking love it so much! I don’t know if it’s the cocoon effect or what but I love it. I could see how a little kid would feel like they were suffocating as it takes a lot of muscle to have those sheets come free. My sons love it when I change their sheets because the bed is extra tight. What my friend use to do that we hated is she would partially make the bed. My mom would get on her b/c she was confident they wouldn’t change the sheets if she did that. LOL!

  3. How about the obnoxious sneezer you can her 3 doors down and 2 floors up? And they never sneeze just once; no they go on a freakin’ sneezing marathon! You know you don’t need to scream every time you sneeze dude…

    1. Sorry, I hit respond before I was done. I can totally hear that now and you know they aren’t covering their mouth. In fact, they are just spraying shit EVERYWHERE I bet you. It’s usually an oblivious old dude.

      1. Oh I’m sure! And I’ve gotta say, I’m all for an obnoxiously loud sneeze-they feel amazing if done correctly, but like most things, there’s a time and place for those. Definitely not in a hotel room.

  4. “*This is the ONLY option if you are staying in a room with a co-worker or a new significant other. They are to never know you shit.”


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