Facebook Memories Can Suck It

Facebook memories

Perhaps I’m being a little negative here. Perhaps it’s the 3 glasses of wine talking right now but honestly, Facebook memories can suck it. For the 2 of you that aren’t on Facebook, let me explain. Facebook takes the liberty of putting a picture or a post from X amount of years ago in your feed and you have the option to share that memory, throwback or whatever the hell you want to call it with your “friends”.

I envision a room full of nerds at Facebook, overseeing this whole Facebook memories operation but these are the ass hole nerds. The ones that are bitter towards everyone’s for one reason or another. Perhaps their office doesn’t have piped in mood-music, like the rest of the offices in Facebook. Maybe their office is the farthest from the free snacks. And side note, I have no idea if Facebook offers piped in mood-music or free snacks. You just hear of the over-the-top amenities of the Silicon Valley offices. And a side-side note, every time I hear Silicon Valley, I picture a land of plastic surgeons where everyone walks around with breast augmentations and beautiful noses.

Anyway, I digress. My point is, these nerds take your existing profile picture or what you’ve posted lately and find a time when everything was better than it is now.

A thinner you!

At a dream job!

A relative still alive!

Then they take those happier times and throw them IN YOUR FACE! That’s what makes them ass holes. It’s no wonder they say social media is making people more depressed.

Oh, remember when you didn’t have a double chin like you do now? No? Ok, here’s the proof. You’re welcome.

My reaction to these “Facebook memories” are pretty consistent with a,

“Fuck…..really Facebook?”

But I love Facebook memories Hot Mess.

Do you gentle reader? Don’t worry, the nerds just haven’t caught up to you yet. Similar to social media trolls, there’s one for everyone out there and your troll/nerd just hasn’t found you yet. Come back and let me know when it happens though.

A Facebook Lightbulb

As I type this, everything just came full circle. I now realize why these “memories” feel like a slap in the face. Try to keep up.

It’s not a secret that we put our best selves out on Facebook. We brag. We see “friends” (and I’ll put that in quotation marks as though it may have started as friends, it’s just another way to network) who post about the new car their husband just bought them. There are pictures of kid’s achievements and don’t get me started on those weight-loss selfies (que eye roll). We don’t post the bad stuff in our lives (unless we are vaguebooking for attention. A practice I am staunchly against). We post about how amazing a job is and even be as bold as to type #blessed. Which you will never, ever, ever see me put #blessed after a post. In fact, for my personal Facebook, I’m not trying to get attention so I don’t hashtag shit.

When things are good, we post more therefore there are more “memories” that the Facebook algorithms (I’m not stupid, I know there aren’t a room full of Facebook Nerds monitoring the memories) pick up.


How to Fight the Facebook Memories

So I’ve thought of a few things you can post this year so over the next decade when Facebook throws “memories” in your Facebook, it will be a delight to share. You’ll tell yourself, ‘hmph, I am so much better off than I was back then’:

  • A screen shot of your nearly 0 checking account. Accompany the picture with a witty proclamation like “At least I still have my health. LOL!”
  • Picture of your gut with the following hashtags: #IDGAF #GETINMYBELLY #BEACHBODREADY
  • A video of you drunk. Add the following verbage: When life gives you lemons, add it to your vodka.
  • Pic of an empty vase on Mother’s Day (or Valentine’s Day or whatever holiday) and say “Are you wondering where the flowers are? Yeah, me too.” #notblessed #wtf
  • A long, drunk rant when you’re at your most stressed. Now it’s important not to vaguebook this and put shit like “I feel so alone” or “I want to jump off a bridge” and not say why you feel alone or want to jump off a bridge. It’s also important that this doesn’t look like a cry for help. You know what? Just skip this one. I’m not feeling it.

Look, I’m not going to give you shit if you adore Facebook memories. If you do, great. I just don’t. But be warned, this is almost a cautionary tale of be careful of what you post now because this may make you want to jump off a bridge in 5 years. Remember life are peaks and valleys and for this peak, a valley is just around the corner. I feel like the damn Buddha right now, folks.







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