I have committed to growing my Instagram account for Hot Mess Memoir now that I have Pinterest moving along nicely. But what I can’t get behind, are all of these women that post picture after picture of themselves. They always have the same pose, looking like they’re having the time of their lives. And who’s taking all of these pictures anyway? Her children? Her spouse? Has the spouse just given up and was like, “well she’s pretty so I guess that makes this worth it?”
I know you have to follow people to grow your account and it’s nice to reciprocate when someone has followed you. I learned the hard way though because several of the people I followed back are posers. Now when I look at my feed, every f’ing post is of them in an outfit and it’s always the same 2-3 poses. Is that their Blue Steel? Their Magnum? So now when someone follows me, I make sure it’s someone who has interesting content.
How narcissistic do you have to be to post pic after pic of yourself every single day? And not just your standard picture where you are looking at the camera. No, these bitches are workin’ it. And look, maybe this is their income. Maybe this is why they have 20k followers and I’m just a babbling idiot. But sometimes I’ll read their bio and them posting pics of themselves has nothing to do with their blog, business, etc.
So today we are going to have fun with these posers. I’m not blurring out their faces because obviously this was public first on Instagram so game on.
The Instagram Standard Poses
Like this is always the pose these posers use when taking their selfie. Am I right? Did they go to some modeling school to learn this? It’s kind of comical now that I look from left to right because they look like they are teaching us dance steps.
What the Fuck Are They Looking At?
This is my question, always. They are always looking anywhere but the camera and nine times out of ten they have either 1 or all of the following: a jacket (even when it’s 85), a handbag on their arm and sunglasses. Like putting together a complete outfit is something our little tiny brains aren’t capable of but they are gifted and must show us.
The Gym Selfies
I just shake my head at the gym pictures. And it’s not just Instagram. There’s a girl I’m friends with on Facebook that bless her heart, lost a ton of weight. But if I see one more f’ing selfie of her ass in yoga pants, she will be unfriended.
Or you have the random selfie in the locker room which I think is ridiculously rude considering people change there. I don’t want ANYONE to see me at the gym. You know what I wore to the gym today? A t-shirt that showed a slice of pizza as a super hero and read: EAT PIZZA, SAVE LIVES. I’m not wearing false eyelashes and extensions to the gym.
Children as Props
You could accuse so many people of this yet they would never admit it. Hell, they’ve probably told themselves it’s not true but come on. When everyone is perfectly color coordinated, sometimes right down to the furniture, you just want to poke your eyeballs out. Gimme a break. This is not real life yet all these social media darlings love the baby on the hip pose.
What the Hell is This Woman Laughing At?
An Imaginary Photo Shoot
Here’s how I think the conversation went between this woman (we’ll call her Marianna) and her husband Bob:
Marianna: I’m going to turn around and face the bank so you can photograph me. Make sure to get my ass and my fake purse.
Bob: Marianna, I only have 15 minutes left on my lunch and I haven’t eaten yet.
Marianna: Just do it! I’ve only posted 4 pictures of myself today and I need 5! 5 is the golden ticket. You want me, I mean us, to be famous one day, right?
Bob: (under his breath) I want you to get an actual job.
Marianna: What was that?
Bob: I wish this was my actual job.
Before and After Weight Loss
I’ve saved the best for last. I saw this when researching the gym portion of this post and knew I had to share. I have so, so many questions:
- Why do you look like you’ve gained weight? Assuming the right picture is the “after”.
- Why are you in your underwear for this?
- If you knew your lady parts would be exposed, again, why don’t you have clothes on?
- Why the flower? Once you realized your panties were see-through, was it less effort to just cover it up with a black flower in lieu of putting clothes on?
- Normally before and afters are reserved for the beginning and the end of your weight-loss journey. Were you only looking to lose 5.8 pounds?
So that is all I have for you now. Am I the only one that is annoyed by posers? Does it seem uber narcissistic to you? I want to hear your thoughts!