A Fake, Non-Braggy Christmas Letter

christmas letter

Without fail, we got the same ridiculous, braggy Christmas letters. You know the ones where they tell you everything good that happened in their lives. Then for good measure, they throw in a ridiculously large purchase that they made then offer to drive you around in it or have you stay in it. I roll my eyes but can’t resist reading them because of the oblivious nature. That being said, I love making fake Christmas letters, ones I wish would be sent to us. And let me promise you this, if I get one of these, I will frame it and put it in my writing room. Because I have yet to receive one, it looks like I’m going to have to create it for my own shits and giggles. Yes folks, I do have way too much time on my hands:

Dear Family & Friends,

Well, another year has passed and we’re still piss poor and I’m twenty pounds overweight. This letter comes to you after Christmas simply because I couldn’t get my shit together and actually buy and send cards out on time.

Though I’ve never had an issue with my weight, Bob gifted me a 3-month subscription to Jenny Craig for Christmas. In my stocking, was a knock-off of SPANX, lovingly renamed ANX. Ok Bob, I get the hint, loud and clear. At least he included the Groupon receipt showing he paid a hefty $9.99 for the garment that I’ll be sending back tomorrow.

The twins are great! Still ungrateful little ass holes now that they’re teenagers. If they’re not stuffing their mouths with their 8th snack of the day, they’re usually sucking face with their girlfriends or plotting how to squeeze the last three dollars from my bank account. Their hygiene continues to be non-existant and they look like homeless bums, living on the streets.

The candle business I started back in May is no more. I paid $400 for the “starter kit”, being promised I’d earn a fortune. I was told the candles practically sell themselves. Now that I look back on it, $25 for a three-wick candle isn’t exactly in the sweet spot of what people want to pay. So if any of you need candles, I still have around 18 I have to sell, just to break even. And don’t worry about the soot the candles produce. I’ve been told it wipes right off the walls with a magic eraser.

We still have the same car. I drive a 2010 Hyundai and Bob still drives his Chevy Malibu. Neither of us got new cars so no Christmas Lexus commercials here! LOL!

Our health has been great! Really, the only thing that we went through this year was a bout of foot fungus with one of the twins. Oh, and Bob was finally treated for halitosis. Thanks to all of you that dropped hints throughout the year. I really couldn’t have done it without you! Other than that, we all remain healthy.

My hopes and goals for 2020 include pulling the sofa out and vacuum underneath it. I also hope to get the twins to brush their teeth on their own without me reminding them. Hope you all have had a great holiday! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!


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