Ridiculousness · Super Hot Mess

7 Ways To Be A Decent Human Being In The Restroom

“Because I’m puzzlin’, puzzlin’,” my husband is belting out as he puts together his 750 piece puzzle.

“Oh my God. I’m going to totally make you a shirt that says that,” I say. “Or how ’bout, I didn’t choose the puzzle life, the puzzle life chose me?”

No response.

“By the way,” I say completely pleased with my shirt idea and ignoring his ignoring, “I’m doing a post on how to be a decent human being in the restroom and I need indiscretions of the men’s restroom.”

This got his attention. He wasted no time in telling me what I think are not only horrifying but shocking secrets of the men’s restroom. Y’all are pigs man, no offense. But first, I’ll begin with the ladies. Now I know that many of these leak over to the men’s room (no pun intended) and aren’t specific to just us.

You Never Call Me On My Toilet Phone

For the love of all that is holy, don’t talk on your stupid phone while you are using the restroom. What is wrong with you? Have some dignity. Does someone’s life hang in the balance? If you don’t take this call, will lil’ Johnny not get the heart transplant? No. What if you are talking and you or someone else farts really loud? Then what? I’m going to creat a sign that instead of saying THAT TEXT CAN WAIT, its going to say THAT CALL CAN WAIT and slap it on every stall door.

If You Sprinkle While You Tinkle

Well folks, you would think I wouldn’t have to discuss this but I do. Even for potties shared by all adults. Ladies, it is neither adorable nor endearing that you leave a few sprinkles on the toilet. First of all, I cover the seat with toilet paper and if when sitting down the paper flies off and I touch the seat with my bare skin? I am downright horrified. All I want to do is run home and scrub my legs till they are raw. And if somehow I accidentally touch the middle, recessed area of the toilet that catches piss and pubes, I do run home immediately and scrub my skin like I danced with a leper.

It’s Raining Paper

Why do people dry their hands off, aim for the trash can, miss and walk away? Same thing for the toilet paper. Was the gigantic bowl that I may have fallen into 1 or 2 times in my life to tough of a target? How lazy must you be?

Shrugging, lazy ass says, “well, I gave it my best shot. Bending down to pick it up would be far too hard.”

Personal Space

When there are 20 empty stalls, why do you select the one directly next to me? This isn’t a movie theater. The theater manager isn’t going to walk into the bathroom and announce, “we are sold out so if everyone could just move to the middle, that would be appreciated.”

Bear Down!

Are we talking about a woman giving labor? No, this is my husband’s #1 pet peeve and one that is absolutely shocking to me. Apparently, some men grunt? Is this right? I think I asked him 3 times before it sunk in. Are you that oblivious to where you find it socially acceptable to grunt? OMG!

Urn’ Disgusting

Another faux pas hubby exposed was this: pubes on top of the urinal. Come again? Yes, he said pubes make it on top of the urinal. So in my sick head I’m picturing some dude picking out his pubes while pissing, placing them on top of urinal and saying out loud, “I’ll get those when I’m done.”


People Who Don’t Wash Their Hands

I think after reading this we can collectively agree that men are savages? Well, that’s the feeling I’m getting after getting the other side’s version of what goes on. The last thing my husband contributed here was that there are the occasional individual that doesn’t wash their hands. You are in a stall and you hear them leave their stall but do not hear running water, the dryer or the pull of a paper towel. At least fake wash. Turn the water on for 5 seconds for cryin’ out loud!

So what did I miss? I kinda’ enjoy missing stuff because when you guys chime in, it’s stuff I totally forgot!

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13 thoughts on “7 Ways To Be A Decent Human Being In The Restroom

    1. Yeah, I mean, are they forgetting about the pubes? And if they go back to their desk, remember they left them there, do they go back and get them or just pray no one does a DNA test on them. That’s what I would do if I were a billionaire. Just for shits and giggles, I would have them tested then accuse the nasty offender.

  1. On the note of sprinkle on the seat: I’ve gone into a stall on more than one occasion after a mother and her toddler son leave together and there is a nice mess to be cleaned up on the seat. For 1, I understand that nature calls and sometimes a mom has to bring her son into a woman’s restroom, but there should be an age limit. What age, I’m not sure because I’m not a mom and I don’t know that exact timeline of said training, but I don’t want to see a 7+ year old kid. And 2, if your spawn makes a mess, it is your job as a fuckin’ mother to clean up after it which includes and is not limited to: WIPING PISS OFF THE TOILET SEAT!

    Another bathroom faux pa that gets to me is when people use excessive amounts of paper towels to dry their hands. No one *needs* more than 2 pieces so stop wasting Sharon!

    On the flip side, I loath a wet handle/door knob when exiting a bathroom. If you don’t want to dry your hands, fine, But at least grab a piece of paper and open the door with it so you don’t leave your grime for the next dozen of potty goers.

    1. Ah, the age old debate on how old is too old for a son to accompany his mother into the bathroom. I think I cut my son off at 7 and I’ve cringed ever since sending him alone into the mens. I stand like a predator ready to pounce should a creepy guy go in or if he takes too long. It’s anxiety inducing. But you are right: WIPE OFF THE DAMN TOILET SEAT. WE ARE NOT SAVAGES HERE!!!

  2. In Korea, the talking on the phone thing was an actual thing! Like ALL THE TIME. And I still can’t understand it. Like I don’t even want to take my phone into the bathroom in the first place because of all the germs in there. Gross.

    And in school, in the girl’s bathrooms, there was always the sign “if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe a the seatie” lol now as an adult I see “if you sprinkle when your tickle, fucking clean it up” haha!!!

    1. It’s so odd. Like I posted, aren’t you afraid someone is going to flush the toilet and the other person is going to hear it? Or someone is going to fart. I mean, come on!! It’s a think in Korea? Seriously? Why? That must mean thats a thing in other countries. Maybe we really are savages.

  3. My husband told me there is even more etiquette when men stand at the urinals. Like you should always choose the urinal furthest away from other pee-ers. So if there is one bloke at the end, go for the other end. If there is a bloke at either end, go right in the middle etc. He said you should never stand right next to another man when his penis is out. Fair enough eh!?

    In Japan the toilets play music or flushing noises to mask the sounds you might make in the loo. This is to stop people from endlessly flushing/wasting water just so others can’t hear them pee.

    1. I would agree with your husband. I asked mine if there was any rules about talking to another dude while taking a piss and he said not really. I find that hard to believe. Something I forgot to add in my post is when people try to carry on a conversation with me while we are both in the stalls. I can’t stand that. There are a lot of rooms that can serve multiple purposes but the public bathroom isn’t one of them. It’s for going and that’s it!

      1. I agree with that with people I don’t know well…but I have had some hilarious drunken conversations through the stall with close friends! I’d be sad not to have drunken loo chats anymore!

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