“Because I’m puzzlin’, puzzlin’,” my husband is belting out as he puts together his 750 piece puzzle.
“Oh my God. I’m going to totally make you a shirt that says that,” I say. “Or how ’bout, I didn’t choose the puzzle life, the puzzle life chose me?”
“By the way,” I say completely pleased with my shirt idea and ignoring his ignoring, “I’m doing a post on how to be a decent human being in the restroom and I need indiscretions of the men’s restroom.”
This got his attention. He wasted no time in telling me what I think are not only horrifying but shocking secrets of the men’s restroom. Y’all are pigs man, no offense. But first, I’ll begin with the ladies. Now I know that many of these leak over to the men’s room (no pun intended) and aren’t specific to just us.
You Never Call Me On My Toilet Phone
For the love of all that is holy, don’t talk on your stupid phone while you are using the restroom. What is wrong with you? Have some dignity. Does someone’s life hang in the balance? If you don’t take this call, will lil’ Johnny not get the heart transplant? No. What if you are talking and you or someone else farts really loud? Then what? I’m going to creat a sign that instead of saying THAT TEXT CAN WAIT, its going to say THAT CALL CAN WAIT and slap it on every stall door.
If You Sprinkle While You Tinkle
Well folks, you would think I wouldn’t have to discuss this but I do. Even for potties shared by all adults. Ladies, it is neither adorable nor endearing that you leave a few sprinkles on the toilet. First of all, I cover the seat with toilet paper and if when sitting down the paper flies off and I touch the seat with my bare skin? I am downright horrified. All I want to do is run home and scrub my legs till they are raw. And if somehow I accidentally touch the middle, recessed area of the toilet that catches piss and pubes, I do run home immediately and scrub my skin like I danced with a leper.
It’s Raining Paper
Why do people dry their hands off, aim for the trash can, miss and walk away? Same thing for the toilet paper. Was the gigantic bowl that I may have fallen into 1 or 2 times in my life to tough of a target? How lazy must you be?
Shrugging, lazy ass says, “well, I gave it my best shot. Bending down to pick it up would be far too hard.”
When there are 20 empty stalls, why do you select the one directly next to me? This isn’t a movie theater. The theater manager isn’t going to walk into the bathroom and announce, “we are sold out so if everyone could just move to the middle, that would be appreciated.”
Are we talking about a woman giving labor? No, this is my husband’s #1 pet peeve and one that is absolutely shocking to me. Apparently, some men grunt? Is this right? I think I asked him 3 times before it sunk in. Are you that oblivious to where you find it socially acceptable to grunt? OMG!
Another faux pas hubby exposed was this: pubes on top of the urinal. Come again? Yes, he said pubes make it on top of the urinal. So in my sick head I’m picturing some dude picking out his pubes while pissing, placing them on top of urinal and saying out loud, “I’ll get those when I’m done.”
People Who Don’t Wash Their Hands
I think after reading this we can collectively agree that men are savages? Well, that’s the feeling I’m getting after getting the other side’s version of what goes on. The last thing my husband contributed here was that there are the occasional individual that doesn’t wash their hands. You are in a stall and you hear them leave their stall but do not hear running water, the dryer or the pull of a paper towel. At least fake wash. Turn the water on for 5 seconds for cryin’ out loud!
So what did I miss? I kinda’ enjoy missing stuff because when you guys chime in, it’s stuff I totally forgot!