6 Ways to be a Decent Human Being On an Airplane

airplane

Having come back from L.A. I saw many faux pas on the airplane. It’s like these people have never flown before or aren’t really human. Usually common sense would kick in but I guess “usually” doesn’t happen for all of us. Have these things happened to you before? Have you even done some of these things?

Recline Your Chair

Why is this even an option? First of all, the recline is only a whopping 3″. You will still be slumped over to the right with drool hanging out of your mouth when it’s all said and done. The 3″ recline does NOTHING for you. It does however feel like you’re laying in the lap of the person behind you. I mean, you can’t even put your stupid laptop up all the way when someone reclines. I already feel like this in the airplane:

chickens on a truck

My oldest began to recline his seat back and I shot him the look of death when I saw his thumb on the silver disk.

“What?” He asked dramatically.

“You know what. Don’t you dare recline that seat. We aren’t those people.”

Here are the only times you are allowed to recline your seat in the Hot Mess Book of Etiquette:

  • When a child younger than 5 is directly behind you.
  • You’re on an international flight and it’s an acceptable time to sleep.
  • You’re on a private jet.

These are the only times you are allowed to recline your seat.

Crossword Puzzle

When I must have all electronics off and I need something to occupy me because I brought nothing that doesn’t require a power switch, I turn to the crossword puzzles. But some ass hole already filled all of them in. How did they know all the answers? I look at the hints and it’s shit like “wrong way” or “a liquid” and yet this person got all of them. I can only deduce they went to the answer key and filled them all in. Cheaters.

Kids

On our flight from Vegas to L.A. there were 2 kids that kept kicking my sons’ seats and they were getting pissed. First of all, my children would have kicked once and that would have been the end of it or their leg and second of all, what parent is that oblivious to allow their kids to keep kicking a stranger’s seat? When my 9-year-old kept putting the tray up and down, up and down, I told him that was it. It either needs to be up or down because the person in front of us can feel it each time and it has to be annoying.

Now normally I probably could have turned around and politely asked if her kids could stop kicking my kids’ seats however, I was scared of her. They say never to judge a book by its cover but when I think I made out “cut a bitch” tattooed on her arm, I thought it best to suck it up and let Thing 1 and Thing 2 continue kicking.

Bathroom

I fully accept that flying can make one’s stomach turn and sometimes it can’t be helped. But for the love of God, don’t take your morning shit on the plane. My son was in line forever for the bathroom and when he came back he said,

“the woman before me left something special in there.”

It’s bad enough that these bathrooms are just flying port-o-johns, don’t make it worse by going #2.

Having to be Told to Turn off your Phone

Are you sooo important that you just gotta take that call up until the flight attendant tells you to put it away? Why do you think the rules don’t apply to you? Give me a break. You know what the rest of us are doing? We’re rolling our eyes at you. Unless there is a dying family member on the other end of that phone and this is the last time you’ll speak to them, put your stupid phone away!

Standing Up Immediately Upon Arrival at the Gate

Calm down! I want off this plane as much as you do but if you think Ethel in seat A1 is concerned about you in B17, you are mistaken. It drives me insane on how slow people debark a plane. The worst is when it’s 10:30 at night and you just want to get home but you have to wait for like 125 people to walk off first. Equally annoying is when you have 10 minutes before boarding begins for your next plane and you aren’t even in the right terminal. I don’t know what the answer is on this one other than accepting it and that it sucks.

So what did I miss? What do you hate that people do on an airplane?

 

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