An Open Letter to All Airlines


Dear Airlines,

I am sitting here in my pajamas, typing this letter to you. My bed is calling but alas, I cannot answer. Why? Because I have to pick my sons and sister-in-law up at the airport at 11 tonight. Now, while my in-laws chose this amazing time for us to have to pick them up (and I’ve explained to my husband this time frame can’t ever happen again), you guys allowed this time to be an option. Since my husband took them at 4:30 a.m. on Wednesday (yet another stellar flight time), it’s my turn.

And now the flight is delayed. It’s gone from 11:10 p.m. arrival, to an 11:25 arrival. And we both know, this won’t be the last delay. I’ll be lucky to get out of the airport by midnight. Oh, and I just received the following text from my oldest:

I could use some food on the way home

I just laughed out loud at the text but I know I’ll be worn down by whining and find myself in a McDonald’s drive-thru.

A New Trip

So I am trying to find cheap flights to L.A. Because flights are significantly cheaper out of Cleveland, we’ll probably be forced to drive 3 hours there just to take advantage of the savings.

But it’s almost not worth it. I’ve written about this before and it pisses me off. I am tired of airlines nickel and dimming us then patronizing us by saying “pay for what you want, not for someone else’s free bag”. Here is a breakdown of a Spirit Flight from Cleveland to Los Angeles roundtrip:

Base Flight- $117

This is just your foot in the door, only traveling with a purse, European man sack or a laptop bag. You get 1.

Government Taxes- $40.25

Fine. There is nothing we can do about this fee.

Baggage- $30-$35

$30 for 1 checked bag/ $35 for a carry-on, other than your purse

Pick Your Seat- $10-$25 each leg of the flight

If you have to fly on 2 planes to get to L.A. you pay this $10-$25 per seat, twice. And as you can imagine, the $10 seats are at the back of the plane, right next to the bathroom.

I respectfully request the following of all flights going forward:

  • You remove 2-5 rows so my claustrophobia doesn’t kick in and I begin to panic. Our asses have doubled in size and I don’t want to feel like I feel when visiting my son’s classroom and I sit in a chair made for a 9-year-old.
  • Serve more than 5 mini pretzels in a bag. We need real food. Also, ban Chipotle and wings to be brought on flights since people are too stupid to understand how the smell may be offensive.
  • Eliminate any sort of gold, diamond or platinum club. This will reduce the number of business men in khaki Dockers who obnoxiously jump up the minute a “warm welcome” is extended to them. Calm down Fido, we get that you travel a lot.
  • Don’t charge an extra $25 for 6″ more of leg room. Why don’t you start charging for the bulk head space while you’re at it?
  • When we are allowed to exit the plane, anyone in first class, through row 15, has approximately 30 seconds to get their shit and get out. If they cannot commit to this, they must sit back down in their seat and wait for the entire plane to debark.
  • All flight attendants need to cease attitudes immediately. It wasn’t some secret as to how the public behaves. We are animals. You knew this going in so don’t get pissy with me because I asked you for a napkin.
  • Ban all reclining of chairs. Dear fucking God this is my #1 pet peeve of airlines and has been my entire life. You give us virtually no personal space as it is, then you are going to allow the jack-ass in front of me to shave off another 3″? Why was this recline even invented? It doesn’t help. You still wake up drooling on your chin while your head bounces about in front of you. You wake up feeling as if someone punched you in the back of the neck.

In conclusion, I am not the only human out there who endures this barbaric form of travel. Please implement or remove all above recommendations immediately.


Hot Mess





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