Elf on the Shelf · Family · Holiday · Kids · Parenting · Pop Culture

Elf on the Shelf-Night 1

And so it begins, I have to move that f’ing elf on the shelf every God damn day for the next month. And not just move it to the mantle, then to the tree, then onto the island. Nope, I have to create “scenes” with his felt ass because of over achieving mothers who obviously have nothing better to do. Suddenly, talk on the playground shifts from Pokemon cards to what did your Elf do last night. And yes, I said “do” as opposed to “move” because to keep up with these mothers you have to go all out.

And I have gone all out before. Not because I’m trying to one up these women. I do post the Elf scene on Facebook so certain relatives won’t make me feel bad for only moving the elf every few nights. I only go all out for my son and that is the only reason. Selfishly, I thought about planting the seeds that the Elf is moved by parents but I can’t do it to him, no matter how much I loathe that shit head. Here are some of the “scenes” I did last year. Try not to barf in your mouth.

Elf with Mirror Elf as Spiderman










I really wanted to do this last year and ran out of time so this year I am going to try to create “scenes” for the Elf but only for adult viewing. I’ll post these as many times as I can in addition to my regular posts. It’s how I cope here peoples so let me have this. This is just one small way I can stick it to the entire Elf on the Shelf community who go WAY over the top.

Tonight, I present to you……

Wino Elf

Wino Elf is 78% dead inside. He’s bitter that he’s a grown-ass man and has to wear a white-collar and a red leotard. His baby face and perfectly coiffed hair makes everyone treat him like he is eternally 9. At the end of the day, Wino Elf just scoots his 2 ounce body under the spout, reaches up and releases the cheap Cabernet.

Wino Elf


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30 thoughts on “Elf on the Shelf-Night 1

  1. Oh I love wino elf!!! He’ll need a bottle every bloody night! My sister does this for her 4 kids. OMG Angela, she takes a pic each night of the Elf’s new adventure and sends it to me, she makes me laugh. One year, elf was on the xmas tree with a roll of toilet paper draped all around the tree!!! I ask her the same question….why do you do this to yourself???? Love it. Xx

    1. Do you see what I mean? The elf wasn’t meant to have scenes. You were only supposed to move the damn elf. Now, like parents who put a tv in their kid’s room too early, I’m left to deal with the questions from my sons of why Zipper (that’s what they named the abomonation) doesn’t do cool things like little Johnny. If you get a chance, you’ll have to show Wino Elf to your sister. Hopefully she likes it! My next adult Elf scene will be hilarious, I just need to figure out how to get him to stand up straight!

      1. Use a wire hanger to make a base….have it be a loop/circle at the bottom for stability, then have it go up to have a half circle at the top that he can be placed into πŸ˜‰

        1. Ok, I’ll see if I have any wire hangers. I also have wire from when I used to make necklaces but maybe not strong enough. This is going to be so funny!

  2. The family I work for did the elf last year. But they only do it for the month of December – and he just sits on this piece of marble that is sticking out about 6 inches from the wall between the kitchen and the next room. Right in the door way. He never moved. Simple. But I love that you are trying so hard for C. He’s right at that age where Santa is still real but there are the little bits of doubt starting to creep in. 4th is the same. But she’s SUPER excited to write her letter to Santa this year!

    1. He hasn’t even noticed I rushed this morning, moved the elf to the rocking chair, ate 3 pink Starbursts quickly (which is almost impossible) and scattered the wrappers around the Elf to make it look like he at them. I didn’t want to throw them away for fear he would go through the trash. I’m not mentioning the Elf like I normally do. I’ll let him find it but damn it, it’s like he doesn’t even care right now! Ugh!

  3. I fucking hate elf on the fucking shelf. I’m so glad I didn’t get into it when everyone else did. I feel for you still having to do this. Still, I’m totally here for inappropriate elf πŸ˜†

    1. Yes and I wish everyone would go asleep b/c I have an idea I want to do tonight with the elf but can’t until everyone is asleep. Ugh!!! I think we are going to make this year the last year. Then when my sons are off to their grandparents, I’m burning it in the fire pit.

    1. The irony would be, you would get a creepy doll at the same time as the Elf on the Shelf. The doll would be so creeped out, it would scurry away, never to seen again!

  4. I do find the elf on the shelf thing really creepy. But I am really impressed that you go all out for it.

    My favourite one last year was one my friend did with an Elsa doll from frozen next to an elf who’d been frozen into a massive ice cube. She said she laid the elf in a barbie bath, then left it in the freezer until became a popsicle elf!

    1. Hmmm…..I may have to try that but I wonder if my son would be horrified to find Zipper in ice. Like Star Wars when Hans Solo was encased in iron. Did I get that right??

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