As I wonder what I would write about, I wondered no more as a notice popped up on my laptop that Toys R Us is going bankrupt. Now, if that didn’t impact thousands and thousands of jobs, I would be saying “thank the baby Jesus!”
I’m not trying to be a Scrooge here, just trying to head off all future arguments with my children. What really blows is one of the 2 Toys R Us stores is in the absolute, complete ghetto. Like gh-ettt-ooo. Next door is a Knights Inn, advertising 365 days a year, the following:
Little Hot Mess
Growing up, I was a nightmare to go into these stores with. Karmas a bitch because going into these stores with my sons, elicit pretty much a similar response though not as thick as I laid it on my mother and let’s face it, it was always the mom putting up with our attitudes. I’ll paint you a picture of what it was like, going into Toys R Us with me, circa 1986. I was 10.
“Now remember, we are just going in to get your friend a toy for her birthday. Your birthday and Christmas is right around the corner so you aren’t getting anything.” My mom repeated for roughly the 3rd time, probably praying this time would be different.
“Got it!” I exclaimed, giving my mom a thumbs up with one hand while clutching my newly acquired Cabbage Patch Kid with the other.
As the door opened, you could immediately smell the new toy smell.
‘They really need to bottle this,’ I thought to myself as we passed a group of sleds and igloo building toys.
We passed the toddler area and the boring boys area where the aisle was always (and still is) colors of black, grey, green and brown. Like night turning into day, we come to the first girl’s aisle and everything is pinks and purples. It’s as if I heard imaginary angels singing a chorus as we arrive into the Barbie aisle, aka, my favorite aisle.
“This trip’s for a friend…this trip’s for a friend,” I repeat as we make our way to middle.
“What?” My mom asks, hearing me and probably slightly mesmorized at all the fashion options Barbie had to offer.
“Nothing,” I answered when suddenly, I see her. I look away, bashful and in denial she’s out already, I mean it’s early November. I look again and what dost thou gaze upon?
HAPPY HOLIDAY BARBIE
“Oh my God….oh my God….,” I say dropping my Cabbage Patch Kid and running over. It was never going to work out between us anyway. I began to run through scenarios in my mind on how I could negotiate my way to acquiring Happy Holiday Barbie as it was just $32.99. I took a deep breath.
“Mom, I really want this Barbie. Report cards are coming out next month and I’m getting really good grades so I’m totally going to get a bunch of money and I’ll pay you back.”
“No,” my mom replied sternly.
“But mom, there are only 8 left. They’re all gonna be gone by this weekend!”
“I said no! I told you just a few minutes ago this trip is to get your friend a toy.”
“Hot Mess!” This was my que to shut the hell up. She got these Joan Crawford eyes that said shut up or I’ll leave you at the Knight’s Inn next door.
I reluctantly put Happy Holiday Barbie back on the shelf, bidding her adieu.
We went into the boring, learning aisle.
“How about an etch-a-sketch?” My mom asked.
“I don’t know, would Happy Holiday Barbie like that?” I asked like a snot. She ignored me.
“Maybe she would like a new Cabbage Patch Kid?” My mom asked, growing tired of my attitude.
“I don’t know, maybe they have a HAPPY HOLIDAY CABBAGE PATCH KID!” I screamed throwing my Cabbage Patch Kid, knowing our journey in Toys R Us was coming to an end and feeling ever more desperate.
That day, I left without Happy Holiday Barbie but Santa brought her to me 6 weeks later. I probably played with her for about two months till she joined the mound of other nameless, naked Barbies.