Ikea Has Bent Me Over


My back aches, I have about 3 new bruises, 2 scrapes and I’ve been stabbed by a wood nail in my pinky toe. I smell like the bottom of a trash can and this is only after almost completing my son’s bed:


It’s going to be really cool because it does this:


It pulls out to make a full bed and has 2 drawers. Perfect for a 90′ square foot room!

But it doesn’t hide the fact that I am on hour 8. Yes, I said hour 8 of putting this asshole together. That is why I didn’t post this morning and it killed me. By 9:30 we were already making the 30 minute trip to Ikea.

To accompany this nightmare they call a bed, we also purchased the following for him:

MalmDresser MickeDesk KullenNightstandDirections

Ikea has what? Hundreds of locations? Obviously they are doing well as I see additional locations being built despite the economic downturn of retail. So why the fuck do the directions blow so much? Seriously! Why? For anyone that has never built anything from Ikea, please know there are 0 words, only drawings. Half-assed drawings. This one was awesome as I not only had the headboard (with the 2 circles) upside down and had to take it apart, but apparently the headboard and footboard are different and MUST be built exactly to the image, so I had to take it apart again! I wanted to scream!


This next direction makes me laugh. It shows the ends of the planks twice and both with 3 holes. But one of the 3 holes is wrong in dimension and you must figure out which one it is:


Here is where I directed my husband to screw in all 12 slats, every other one, as I interpreted the below directions:


However, based on the next directions, it was apparent he was only supposed to screw in 4 slats then lay the other 8 in. I unscrewed all 8 slats, while tearing up.


So, my Ikea break is almost over so I have to wrap up this post. I’m hell-bent on finishing the bed (I’m almost done with the drawers) tonight! Then I’ll do his dresser which I pray to God, Jesus, Buddha and Allah that it’s not even 10% this time-consuming. Wish me luck peeps!





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