What Not to Wear to Homecoming


Yes, I am over half your age. And yes, when I went to homecoming, it was the early to mid-nineties. That being said, I have 2 teen boys and I’ve seen my fair share of homecoming dresses. From private homecomings held during COVID to the one in 2 weeks, it’s still on my radar.

Look, I’m not asking you to dress like Jackie-O (I know, bless your heart, you’re like, “Jackie who?”). Hell, I’m not even asking you to dress like Brittany on a good (sober) day. What I am asking is that you don’t dress like an absolute fool/horror/clown. Here, let me be more blunt. If you show up to my home wearing any of the below and/or with my now college-aged son for a formal, keep walking.

Sorry Not Sorry Hair GIF by Max

Now, earlier I was on Pinterest checking out what was trending and of course, it was homecoming and HOCO dresses. Ok, that’s fair. Then it got me thinking, Pinterest is filled with all of these wonderful ideas. Well, what if I filled Pinterest with bad ideas and on what not to wear to homecoming? I’ve compiled a list of poor ideas and if you already bought one of the below, please return it and look for something better. And to all the SJW, please don’t respond as you’re simply exhausting. P.S. Everything below was listed under “homecoming” on websites.

What Not to Wear to Homecoming

hoco dress

While this may have been pertinent in my high school, it shouldn’t be in the year of our Lord, 2023. And side note teen boys, if your girlfriend rocks this for hoco, run as fast as you can the opposite way. Hell, I’ll level up here. If you’re 27 and your date rocks this to dinner, again, run the other way. This look may have worked for Madonna in the 80’s but it’s a no-go today.









I didn’t know Jessica Rabbit designed HOCO dresses…..













And young ladies (God I sound fuckin’ old), if you show up at my door in any of the following, I will immediately ask you to leave as I’m too young (ridiculously young) to be a grandmother. Do not wear any of these ho-tastic get-ups:


hoco dress

Just remember, everything I have in this post are currently listed in the homecoming sections of retail websites. Take for example, this odd outfit on the lefts. The Spice Girls called, they’d like their costume back.

It’s Homecoming, Not Costumes for a Stage Performance

Apparently, Dolly Parton has her own capsule collection because this looks like something she would have worn on the Old Opry stage in the 80s. This isn’t homecoming, it’s an embarrassment. Maybe if you lost the fringe and replaced the boots with stilettos, then maybe it would be possible. homecoming dress








We Almost Had a Winning Dress

I will deem this dress almost a winner. Why? Because there was sanity in the design, up until the waist. It’s like the designer took a break, dropped acid, watched The Little Mermaid and ruined the rest of the design. There are so many ways to have a wardrobe malfunction here.






If Cher from Clueless Designed a Homecoming Dress

















The Final Homecoming Dumpster Fire

But alas, I saved the best for last. Not necessarily for the poor design of the dress but more for the way their stylist styled the online images. Oftentimes, these stylists are gifted enough to make it work; somehow. Like it’s a pairing I would never know to do, but these talented people figured it out. This is not one of those times.

homecoming dress

Everything about this image is incredibly awkward. It’s like the tomboy decided at the eleventh hour to go to homecoming and used her bridesmaid dress from her big sister’s wedding. She had zero accessories and obviously no dress shoes. And is she wearing pantyhose?

So yes, this post is incredibly judgemental but it’s cathartic and I really don’t care. Ladies, be mindful of your outfit as it will live through decades and be shown by proud moms. Now it’s my turn. My first homecoming, circa 1991, I didn’t have a date and went with my best friend. I borrowed a dress from my father’s secretary and had the “trendy” salon do my hair. Yes, I clearly had a “go have tea with the Queen in the 80’s” vibe. I sent this pic to my sons and they gave me shit for a solid hour. Hey, I deserve it.

I didn’t get my BFF’s sign-off to use her in this post so for her privacy blurring her face.


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