Let me be clear, I absolutely love Pinterest. I find life hacks there. I go to Pinterest when I want to laugh at funny memes. If I want ideas on how to decorate or gift giving ideas, that’s my go to. It’s easy to get lost down the rabbit hole that is Pinterest.
But like Wal-Mart, Pinterest is open to everyone, including idiots. Some of the children’s “crafts” or “activities” leave me shaking my head. Pinterest is open to the over achieving moms of the world as well as the so-called “experts”. Bored women find themselves creating elaborate wreaths that are so huge, you can no longer close your storm door because a tulle nightmare is blocking it.
So I’ve decided to fight back and discuss some of the ridiculous, over the top kids activities, crafts and birthdays. After gathering the below ideas, I’ve deduced the women that posted these have either waaaayyyy too much time on their hands, have never met an actual child, are horribly bored or find new ways to burn through money. Let’s get started.
DIY Summer Frozen Pops
You know as well as I do that 50% of the ice lands on the sidewalk. I say sidewalk because you’re sure as shit not eating that in my house. What makes you think the ice and plastic need a dust bag? This isn’t a Louis Vuitton. So what if their little hands get cold. Mine did and guess what? I still have all my digits. Also, you can’t wash those things and you know as well as I do that sticky ice will drop all over them. D-
Pre-teen and Teen Activities
Today I took a few minutes to scroll through Pinterest to look for activities to do while we are inevitably snowed in this weekend. For the 10-year-old, it’s pretty easy. He doesn’t think I’m stupid and everything I do is horrible. The 13-year-old is another story. That being said, I came across this long list of activities for a pre-teen or teen.
Make puppets? Collect leaves and rocks? Make a lemonade stand? My teen is orders $200 shoes only to resell online for a profit of $600. You think he’s gonna want to make a cool $5 for 6 hours worth of work? Practice cartwheels? I just can’t get over some of these ideas. Has this person met a pre-teen or teenager? Or at least a teen in 2019, not 1895? My son listens to music that makes me want to curl up in fetal position, rocking back and forth, sucking my thumb. My 10-year-old laughs at jokes he shouldn’t get. This had to be written by the Amish. F (do your homework)
Over the Top 1st Birthdays
When Carter turned one a decade ago, I thought I was pretty crafty having a Winter Onederland theme. I look on Pinterest and these birthdays are just obnoxious. If this is for the kid’s 1st birthday, how will the parents celebrate the sweet 16? Bestow them an island?
Ok first, this baby is adorbs! And those thighs! I just want to squeeze them. But the wreath? You can tell she’s looking at her mother like “what the fuck ma’? What the fuck?”
Remember folks, this child has been on the Earth for 12 months. That’s it. And she has embossed, personalized napkins at her first birthday? These are the type of parents that buy a brand new Mercedes for their child when they turn 16.
I’m sorry, is this a bridal party table or a one-year-old’s birthday? You can’t even see the damn baby. She’s just part of the decoration. This is just so damn contrived/over the top! C (Because you are an over-achiever. Feel blessed, that’s the best grade I’ve given yet)
It’s an unwritten rule that at no point will you give your child or anyone else’s child an instrument that is capable of being louder than the actual child. This is also true for moon sand, silly putty and slime. When a friend bought my son moon sand for his birthday one year, I looked at her and said, “seriously Beth, why would you do that? Why would you bring that into our home? Paybacks a bitch because your daughter’s birthday is in 4 months.”
First of all, these fat asses had to eat that many Pringles just to get the “drum” then they strap them all together with electrical tape. Congratulations parents! Your child is on his way to being a hobo on the street corners of NYC, playing his Pringle cans for tips. Well done. D
Airplane Busy Bag for Toddlers
Look at this thing! It’s a God damn swag bag! I think I saw them handing this out at the Oscars last year. There’s waaayyyy too much happening here. Besides, toddlers are like cats. You’ll buy them all the toys in the world but at the end of the day all they want to do is play with a Coke cap.
You want to know how I kept my kids well-behaved for a 6 hour trip to Washington D.C.? I bribed them with Dollar Tree toys at the top of every hour. For a combined total of $24 dollar, I had one of the most peaceful road trips of my life. Don’t look at me! I could have said Dramamine. D+
Ah, this has been so much fun writing this! Do you see what I mean though? Whenever something is horribly contrived, I am so turned off. Half this shit isn’t for the kid, it’s the parent showing off.
Look what I can do.
Look how much I love my child.
I must love my child more than you as I made a robot for their lunch out of a Capri sun and twizzlers.