My Back Fat Is Jiggling!

Back fat is jiggling

It’s no secret, I’m always looking for the fountain of youth. Actually a fountain of youth under fifty bucks. So that budget essentially rules out Botox, Restylane, body augmentation, micro-sculpting of any sort, a personal trainer, and therapeutic massage.

beauty angelOn Saturday, I tried this thing at the gym known as the Beauty Angel. It looks like a tanning bed standing up but without the dangerous lights. I saw images where people were in their bathing suits when they went in but I didn’t want to ask a male employee if I could get butt-naked and go in this thing. To my relief, there was a teen girl manning the booth so I asked her about stripping.

Here’s How It Works

So to the left is the Beauty Angel. I’m claustrophobic so it was a relief to find that when the door closes, there is about a 2″ gap between the door and chamber. You hang on to the to draping ropes above you while placing your feet on the designated areas of the platform.

You press start then 2 buttons twice (don’t ask me what they do, I just follow directions to a T so I’m not cooked alive or something) and a nice British voice comes on that you can barely hear to announce the machine is starting. For the next 12 minutes, the platform you are standing on shakes you vigorously. So much so that I almost lost my lunch. I made a mental note to never eat right before using it.


While Beauty Angel claims the benefits are temporary, they include increased circulation, body toning and stress relief. Additionally, I’ve been reading that it also smooths fine lines and generates collagen. There are 4 levels, depending on what you want to accomplish. I must say, I thought my skin looked better after just the first try but I’m in denial that something worked that fast.

The Thoughts In My Head

When one is in a confined space coupled with being out of their comfort zone….oh and completely naked… begins to go through many nightmare scenarios along with daydreams. Here are the thoughts that went through my head in just 12 minutes:

  • This thing is going to fall over. It’s rocking, I think it’s going to fall over.
  • If it does fall over, are the walls hot and I’ll burn myself, naked?
  • What if I pass out. They’ll find me naked, drooling on myself.
  • Wow, this is really jiggling my stomach. I hope I don’t puke. I cannot puke in here. There isn’t even a trash can.
  • If I remove the eye goggles, will I go blind?
  • (Looks down at jiggling fat) Holy shit that’s disgusting. Oh my God, my stomach, hips and ass are jiggling.
  • I’m going to pretend I’m in a time capsule, traveling to the 17th century.
  • No, I’m going to pretend I’m in the future, going to a planet in my own capsule. Like on Wayward Pines where they were in a capsule asleep for 2,000 years.
  • My back fat is jiggling.
  • Just unclench everything. Maybe that will make it work better.
  • (after 5 minutes of unclenching) Oh my God, what if this makes me lose control of my bowls. What if I shit in here? Did I shit in here already? I can’t look since I’ll fry my eyes. (reclenches ass)
  • What if this overheats? What if the door gets stuck? It’ll look like a scene from Walking Dead where I’m clawing to get out.
  • I wonder if there are hidden cameras in here and the three, 20-somethings at the front desk are cringing as they watch me shake.
  • I bet they didn’t clean this platform. Oh well, I’m sweaty too.

Yep, all of that went through my head. I did it again tonight with maybe half the above thoughts. I’m definitely going to give this thing some time. And hey, if any of the above does happen, at least I’ll have material for another blog post!



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