An Assult on My Weight

An Assult on My Weight

As some of you may have read, I went to the doctor’s Monday where my doctor lovingly fooled me into believing I was pregnant. As part of the exam I had to get weighed in. I knew it was going to be bad, normally before the weigh-in I’m stripping off boots, chunky sweaters and anything I feel would add ounces. I’m not above pissing before my weight is taken but this time I’m like,

‘Fuck it, this is going to suck.’

With boots and all, I weighed in at 151! The only time I’ve been 151 pounds was when I was pregnant.

“151 pounds!” I yelled, “holy crap!”

The nurses and a doctor who were quietly discussing a chart in a corner, stopped and looked up at me.

For the past, I’d say 2 years, my philosophy with food has been more of a fuck it approach. I’ve indulged in every possible way. If I had a chicken sandwich, I’d layer on the mayo. My daily latte I made would be filled no less with 20 ounces of whole milk then enough vanilla flavoring I deemed appropriate. When we’d get pizza every week, I had no less than 3 slices then usually a piece later. And don’t get me started with the wine.

Weight Watchers

So now I joined weight watchers. I can’t continue down this weight gaining spiral. I’m allowed 23 points a day and something like 35-ish for the whole week. I love that many foods are 0 points and I found a terrific blogger online that has a beautiful print out, that’s free that lists all the 0 point foods. Go check her out!

I always laugh at the Weight Watcher ads because they look like they are having such a good time and not deprived of anything:

weight watchersI mean, look how happy these ass holes look. They’re tailgating and completely happy with their chicken breast, turkey burgers and salads. They want to live life to the fullest and their food is just an extension of this.

Then there’s real life. Yesterday on my drive home, I sat zombie like in my seat, in pain from the hunger. I was ravenous. For dinner, I cooked my family delicious, warm, mini cheeseburgers. Me? I placed a BOCA chicken patty (that I thought was a regular BOCA burger) on a multi-grain English muffin with 1 tsp. of mayonnaise. This was on par with eating a pumice stone.

Normally for my evening snack I’d line up at least 10 Pringles and eat them along side a glass of wine. For the past 3 nights I’ve curbed hunger with baby carrots. I’ve eaten so many f’ing baby carrots my skin is turning a strange tangerine color.

I will say it’s amazing how calories add up. For example, before this week I would drink about 3/4 vanilla coke each day. This equated to 112 calories a day/784 calories a week/ 3,136 calories a month. 3,500 calories = 1 pound. My doctor said I was gaining about a pound a month and now I see why.

Planet Fitness

When I do my initial assessment of activities for when I sign up for stuff, I can check mark, with 100% confidence, that I’m in the sedentary bucket. Between commuting and blogging, I have made every effort not to workout. I also have to go back to the Podiatrist as my foot is acting up again and that has hindered physical activity. That being said, I’m joining Planet Fitness! My 13-year-old and I checked it out today and it had everything we wanted and it’s only $22! And you always get to take a guest. You really can’t beat that. There’s free tanning that I’ll never use as it would interfere with my vampire tan, hydromassage and massage chairs. They’re open 24/7 for all the nights I’ll never go and they give you a free t-shirt I’ll never wear. But seriously it wasn’t slammed, it was clean and it’s affordable.

So I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a weight loss journey. It’s more like when you were a teen and forced to go to a family outing you didn’t want to go to. You’d sit in the backseat with your arms crossed, quietly pouting, refusing to look anywhere but outside the window of the car. Yeah, that’s me with weight loss. I’ll go because I have to but it doesn’t mean I’ll like it.

P.S. If you are on Weight Watchers let’s follow each other! My screen name is humorblogger.

Share the laughs with friends!

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