Allow me to be clear, my father was not a dead beat dad. He worked 70 hours a week. This post is for all the people with shitty-ass fathers or meh dads and getting him a Father’s day gift is about as high on your list as having tonsils removed.
So gentle readers, I’ve done you a solid and scoured the web for the worst of the worst Father’s day gifts. And if dad actually shows up on Father’s day, you can present him with the below lovely gifts and watch them cringe in horror. Let’s get started.
The Foodie – $9.99
Got a dad that never cooked for you? Did he barely put food on the table because watching tv was more important? Reciprocate by giving him a can of unicorn meat. At $9.99, you aren’t spending any more than he spent on your birthday.
The Chocolatier – $5.99
For the dad who never took you trick or treating, why not repay the favor? Give him what he thinks is a box of chocolates, only to discover it’s a big ole’ box of turd. Because after all, it was mama who always said life was like a box of chocolates.
The History Buff – $24.99
Can’t believe your mother procreated with this loser? Why not put it to the test with an affordable paternity test. That way, you have a glimmer of hope this slacker isn’t related to you.
Give the Gift of Words – $6.66
This is my personal favorite and can be used in so many situations. At Handwrittenhatemail.com, you write out a “special” message to your dad, send it to handwrittenhatemail.com then they will transcribe the letter in crayon. The difference is they make it more polite and send it anonymously to your dad. It’s worth just going to the site and reading how it works because it’s so damn funny!
Mr. Potato Head – $39.95- $299.95
I’m not shitting you, there is a potato of the month club. Let me pose this question. How would you feel if someone paid and enrolled you in a potato of the month club?
Like you don’t matter?
Yeah, that’s how I felt, running that scenario through my head too.
And there are actual reviews of the potatoes. This one caught my eye and I had to share with all of you:
I’m sorry but if my boss gets me potatoes for Christmas, I would immediately get the hint that I suck. As a dead beat dad, if your kid(s) enroll you in the potato of the month club, you obviously have sucked as a father.
So that’s all for now! I hope I helped you! To my husband, father, father-in-law and all the great dads out there: