Family · Kids · Rants · Ridiculousness

Ill Equipped to Assemble Ikea Furniture

My title says it all. I’m on day 3 of attempting to put together my son’s new bed from Ikea together. Allow me to demonstrate my mindset and where I currently am in the process:

I’m on step 6 of 52 steps.

On day 1 I realized I had one of the sides attached but upside down, so I had to take it apart.

On day 2 I had the headboard and footboard assembled to the back side of the bed and a support bar installed. I was extremely pleased with myself until I realized this:

I just sat there, still in my dress from work, realizing that under no circumstances was I going to get out of taking the bed apart…..for the second time. For anyone that hasn’t had the pleasure of putting together Ikea furniture, it’s a lot like putting together Legos. There are 0 words and only pictures. If you miss that the holes are different on one side or another, you potentially risk doing what I did.

“DOWN TOWN! LA LA LA! DOWNTOWN!” I heard my 8 year old belting out as he’s skipping up the stairs. He comes into his brother’s room where I was attempting to put the bed together, looks at the bed, looks at me and immediately stops singing.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

I just giggle. A maniacal, small giggle. I’m in absolute disbelief I have to take the thing apart again.

“I put the footboard where the headboard should be. There is no way to fix it. I’m going to have to take it apart.” I sounded defeated. By now, my 12 year old had come in and heard the conversation.

“You just need to pay closer attention to the directions,” he informed me.

“Really? Is that what you think this is? I’m not paying attention to the directions?” I began to point at him with the hex key included in every piece of furniture sold by Ikea. “God forbid Ikea pays a little Bangledesh toddler 2 more cents to drill the exact same number of holes into 2 boards that look entirely the same! Sorry if I didn’t see the dots in this wonderfully illustrated, 50 page manual. That’s it, I’m done.”

I got up, walked downstairs and poured myself a glass of wine. I went through the mail, only to discover my 2018 Ikea catalog. And so the vicious circle continues…..


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23 thoughts on “Ill Equipped to Assemble Ikea Furniture

  1. I also agree that a glass of wine fixes basically anything. I’ve bought exactly one piece of Ikea furniture, and although I did not put it together, I’m not inclined to go back. Mostly because we went between getting off work and having dinner and I was so freakin’ hangry by the time we got out of there, I didn’t even care about the furniture anymore. Do all Ikea stores have only one way to get through the store?! It was literally impossible to get out without walking through the entire maze of a store! -_-

  2. ohhh nooooo!!! I hate that! I’ve only ever put together a desk and a computer chair from Ikea and they were pretty simple. I was going to suggest having P put it together for himself but then realized that might not be the best idea…. lol

  3. You know what really stings? They could make a killing if they offered an add-on of proper instructions and maybe a DVD with each item (tell me you wouldn’t have paid the extra $40 for that shit), but they won’t because they want us to bonfire our purchases in a fit of impotent rage, then sober up and go back for a replacement. It’s not about the money, or saving us money, or selling cheap Swedish crap… it’s about making us suffer.

    They’re softening us up for an invasion, I just know it. And the worst bit? I’m one goddamned drawer slide from surrendering.

    1. Exactly! Can you imagine the money they would make selling Ikea wine with their products? They go together like peanut butter and jelly!

  4. The first rule of IKEA club is: always highlight the holes and details on the instructions. The second rule of IKEA club is: line up all the furniture pieces as if assembling according to the instructions. Checkmark the holes. The third rule of IKEA club is: use a power drill and use a hex bit to drive the hex screws.

    1. You have amazing advice! I wish I would have done that before hand! We are going to Ikea tomorrow for P’s dresser and desk. So even MORE Ikea s*** to put together!! Im totally using your advice!

  5. My last IKEA fail was getting the wrong piece of furniture. I took a screenshot of the tag, so I KNOW I had the right numbers when I got the cabinet at the self-serve furniture place. Only when my boyfriend put it together in my classroom did I notice it was the wrong one. Not only do they only have that blobby noob guy *showing* you how to put the damn thing together, there are ZERO pictures on the boxes so you can make sure you got the right thing! I’m just glad that what I ended up getting worked. I still love the shit out of IKEA, though. Cheap ass errything and Swedish meatballs FTW.

    1. At 12:15, I finally finished! I have been at it non-stop since 1:30! I am so sore. I have a glass of wine and a little cup of pasta salad, watching SNL.

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