How Do My Children Eat So Much?

As I type this my 8-year-old is working on snack #1. He’ll probably end up tapping out at around 4 snacks this evening. My oldest, the 12-year-old, isn’t even done with his dinners yet. Despite a steak dinner at 6:30, he’ll probably have dinner #2 then begin his parade of snacks, stopping around midnight.

Like me, my children get excited over food. I’m not above talking to my food, calling it lover or sexy, knowing I’m going to ravish the shit out of it. C was excited over his snack this evening and began to dance and shake his popcorn. He then demanded I record it. BTW, he hasn’t worn a shirt in over 24 hours. We are going for a Lord of the Flys look.

Every night, I picture the old school drive-in theater advertisement of the little concession treats marching right into my kitchen. Dancing there little chocolate asses happily into my sons’ mouths.

Let's all go to the lobby

Sleep Over Fare

When C had a sleep over last night, here is what 1 8-year-old and a 9-year-old ate between 8PM and 12AM:

  • fruit roll ups
  • 2 rice krispie treats
  • 1 string cheese
  • 5 capri suns
  • God only knows how many Chips of Hoy cookies
  • 1 Gatorade
  • 2 Hershey bars
  • Goldfish
  • Dorito chips

Grocery Store Confessions

Today I made it out of the grocery store spending just $200. I was proud as usually the bill is never less than $220. I play a game when I check out at the grocery store and it’s called: LET’S SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE I CAN TURN AWAY. People see the conveyor belt of food that I’m surely purchasing for an orphanage, get annoyed, huff and search for an empty lane. Good luck friend!

Do you want to see my cart? I took this last year as I laughed in line. I wanted people to understand what I can barely push through the aisles as my basket literally curves on the top.

My weekly grocery cartAnd when the 8-year-old goes shopping with me, rest assured he will tack on at least $20-$40 more than I would have bought.

“Can we get Goldfish?”

“P wants the Quick chocolate milk.”

“Mommy, can I have a Porter House steak?”

This is on top of his 1-3 bathroom trips. He discovers he has to go to the bathroom when we are in the back of the store and the restrooms are in the front. Additionally, I’m also asked when we can get the free cookie. Our store gives kids a free cookie at the bakery. As I watch the hairnet clad, moley woman hand a cookie to P, I longingly stare at it while willing her with my mind to offer me one. This has had the success rate of .05%.

Should we ever have to ration food, say during the apocalypse, my guess is we will probably end up killing each other due to hanger. Or eating the Chihuahua.



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19 thoughts on “How Do My Children Eat So Much?

        1. When I hear trolleyp I think of the trolleys in San Francisco. LOL! So what you’re telling me is that this is probably going to get worse?

  1. Of all the worries I worried about raising a boy (I don’t know anything about boys, boys get so loud, he’ll never be my best friend and there goes my entire parenting dream) it never occurred to me to think “how will I afford to feed a growing boy?” But I’ve watched what my beanpole lad puts away compared to girls his age, and it’s insane. He eats more than any two adults, even if all he’s doing is loafing around the house; lord help us on days he decides to go for a run!

    I can’t imagine doing this three times over, is my point… and they’re all bunched up, so you’re not getting any relief until they all rush off to college. At which point you will keep accidentally buying way too much and your cupboards will overflow and your family will stage an intervention… Somebody film that, please?

    1. maybe I will just sit in the pantry with all the food surrounding me, cats running around because I’ve become a cat lady because I’m so lonely and then you can film an intervention of the fire department cutting me out of my bedroom because i’ve gotten so fat from the extra food.

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