The Elf on the Shelf Part 1

Elf as Spiderman

I have developed a severe aversion to the Elf on the Shelf. I wanted to know who I had to thank for this creepy looking character so I did a quick search in Wikipedia and apparently it was created by a mother/daughter duo who brought the 2nd daughter into the business because of her marketing know how. Overall, I’m annoyed by the 3 of you.

The whole concept would have been fine if it would have stopped there- hide the elf somewhere. It didn’t stop there. Some bored mother(s) (and I’m sure a few fathers) “got creative” and ruined it for EVERY OTHER parent that actually has a lot of things to do….like work. They began to “stage scenes” with the Elf. Suddenly just throwing the elf on the mantle each night or on a Christmas tree branch wasn’t good enough and a signal for children’s services to pay you a visit.

My Elf is Better than Your Elf

The boys would come home and make comments like “Simon’s elf, Skittles, wrote his name in skittles” or “Thomas’s elf was hiding in their backyard and they had to follow a treasure map to find their elf.”

“Oh yeah? Well Zipper isn’t exactly a very active elf,” was my only response.

As their comments kept coming, I became more and more frustrated with the Elf. On one of those particular nights my only response was,

“Oh yeah? I bet Johnny’s mother doesn’t have a job does she?”

Sure enough he nodded his head.

“There you go…there you go” I said very content with the answer.

We didn’t even have this little train wreck growing up. In fact, we had nothing that even resembled it. It was basically, “Santa is all-knowing. Santa knows every God damn move you make so you better not fuck up.”

When did Santa become a corporation? Hiring middle manager Elves who “reported” to the CEO? Truly this has to be the equivalent of taking production overseas. Now you farm out your responsibilities to Elves? How did that interview go?:

Santa: Please give me a time when you thought outside the box Skittles.

Elf: That is an excellent question Mr. Clause. I would have to say when I took a king size bag of skittles and spelled my name with it.

Santa: What return on this investment did you have?

Elf: The mother’s self-confidence went up by 22%.

Santa: Not the children?

Elf: slapping his leg. Hell no! She just saw it on Pinterest one evening hoping it would outdo her frienemies.


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