When I accepted a work-from-home position back in June, I had absolutely hit the gold mine. No more 45-minute commutes. The savings in gas alone was a gigantic bonus. I would never have to squeeze the steering wheel tighter than my SPANX squeezing me. Lastly, I would free up over eight hours a week. I was in remote heaven and no one was going to shit on my cloud.
“You know this won’t last forever, right?” My husband said as he lay in our bed and I put my floral print dress on.
“What are you talkin’ about?” I said as I spritzed perfume that only my Chihuahua would smell.
“This,” he waived his hands around, “getting dressed, putting makeup on,” he said.
“You’re crazy,” I scoffed. “Besides, this is how I get into work mode. I work better when I get dressed, do my hair and put makeup on.”
“Mm-hmm,” he said as he rolled back over. “I give it three months,” he said under a muffled pillow. I rolled my eyes, convinced he was just as crazy as me. Obviously, we just had two different work styles.
Turns Out, He Was Right
And so gentle reader, like the stages of a man cold, I present to you the 4 stages of working from home. This isn’t to scare you but to let any aspirational remote workers know it’s completely natural to not run a comb through your hair for 48 hours. Let’s get started.
Stage 1- Ambition When Working From Home
In my nieve little mind, I legit thought I would dress up every single day. As we like to say in the midwest about dumb or nieve folks, bless my heart. To my credit, I did dress up for roughly 6 weeks. Slowly, the dresses turned into capri pants and the capri pants turned into jean shorts. And obviously I wasn’t going to waste my perfume for no one to smell it.
I did start exercising more. I would get up from my desk every few hours and use the Planet Fitness app for roughly 10 minutes about 3 times a day. Additionally, I got extra steps in, walking my chihuahua every few hours since the bisch likes to piss in the hallway.
I’d be ready to roll, at my desk at exactly 8 am, everyday.
Stage 2-The Second Casualty: Make-Up
I started this job in July. Around September, I started taking showers at night so I could sleep in longer. Showers the night before allowed me to fall back into bed after dropping my son off to school.
I went from a full face of makeup to every few days, just mascara and eyebrows. None of my meetings were video so it’s not like they were going to see me. My biggest fear however, was accidentally turning on my camera and having my entire department seeing that I did NOT fit my put-together, Teams profile.
Stage 3- When Did I Wash My Hair Last?
I started to wash my hair A LOT less after working from home. Let’s face it, unless you’re balled, doing your hair is a bitch. It takes me forever. Before working from home, I’d wash my hair every other day. By Christmas, I was averaging twice a week.
‘They tell you to wash your hair less anyway,’ I reasoned with myself. I was Dove Dry Shampoo’s number one customer. I about broke out in a sweat one weekend when my grocery store was out of it. Turns out they weren’t out of it, it had been recalled for possible cancer causing chemicals.
By now, my day didn’t start before 8:15. If I had stayed up late, this could potentially push to 8:30. Wearing dresses were a thing of the past. By now, it looked as if Stevie Wonder was my stylist and Ray Charles did my hair.
Stage 4- Did I Brush My Teeth Today?
Over the last few months, I don’t recognize myself. I occasionally skip showers and find myself questioning around noon if I brushed my teeth.
When I have to go out in public, I find myself saying to my husband:
“Welp, guess I have to put a bra on now.”
“Great, now I have to run a brush through my hair.”
“Your dad is coming over? I’ll put pants on.”
Working from home is an amazing benefit, even if your hygiene goes down the shitter. I’d like to say I’ve found a balance but I haven’t. If anything, I’m annoyed when I have to do my hair and/or put makeup on.
So do any of you work from home now? If you do, has your hygiene stayed the same or have you developed a fungal infection on your face? If you don’t work from home, do you think you could keep up with office standards? Let me know in the comments!