7 Questions I Have for a Nudist Resort

Sometimes when I’m looking for topics to write about, the topic finds me. Case in point tonight when I was thinking about writing another post on Craig’s List “missed connections”. That always provides a plethora of dumpster fires to write about. Then I came across a post for a nudest colony needing family-friendly pools to use for their….what would you call the members? Nudions? I don’t know.

Firstly, nudist colony and family-friendly should NEVER be in the same sentence, post, advertisement, etc. Second, the reality is anyone who attends nudist colonies should never, ever be naked in public. The few times I’ve seen pictures of nudist colonies, without fail, it’s the grossest, ugliest, hairiest, unhealthy people on Earth.

My Questions and Thoughts About Nudist Resorts

The Craig’s List post led me to an actual Nudist Resort. It’s not lost on me that on their home page, their motto is plastered as the first thing you see:

AN EXPERIENCE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET

Yeah buddy, I bet. Perhaps the motto should be:

ADDING TO YOUR PTSD SINCE 1984 

As I pursued the website, questions and comments flooded my head. And for the record, I’d rather be subjected to living in a Walmart for 72 hours than ever staying in a nudist colony, resort or whatever you call it.

Question #1- Children at a nudist resort?

This question bothers me beyond belief. I’m shaking my head right now because I don’t know where to start. The fact that they start off a paragraph: You and your family are invited to experience the joy of a clothing-free environment. Look, never in my 45 years have I ever wanted to be naked around my parents. Never in my 16 years of parenting have I ever wanted to be naked around my children and I’m certain my sons feel the same way about me.

The fact that children are allowed at a nudist resort is disgusting. They don’t need to see naked adults and naked (stranger) adults don’t need to see someone else’s children naked. It’s not like this place is vetting adults, ensuring they aren’t pedophiles. This is just a recipe for disaster and any adult that brings a kid to a nudist resort is out of their mind.

Question #2- The Fitness Room

One of the “perks” of this resort is they offer a fitness room. If I’m not wearing a sports bra when working out, I feel I’m doing my ta-tas a disservice, causing them to sag before they have the right to. Can you imagine the things that are bouncing around during an intense run on the treadmill? And don’t get me started on the bicycle seats. I just threw up in my mouth.

Question #3- Restaurants in the Nude

dining roomSo this resort boasts 2 restaurants. When I saw an image of the dining room, I quickly lost my appetite upon seeing these padded chairs. Why? Because I’m assuming people are sitting their bare ass on these chairs. I mean come on! I see they have placemats. Perhaps they should think about seat mats.

Additionally, are the waiters and waitresses allowed to wear an apron to keep their tips, checks and pens in? And oh my God I just thought of something. Are the cooks nude too? Do they have to wear multiple hairnets? SO.MANY.QUESTIONS!

Question #4- Church Services

This resort boasts Sunday church services. So you’re telling me there is a butt-naked preacher with a butt-naked congregation reading scripture? I get that God and Jesus want you to follow them but they’re probably like, “Christ….not like this.” And I took the virtual tour and sure as shit, there is a small chapel.

Question #5- Activities

If you click on the activities, they have it planned out for an entire year. I’ll give it to them that that is pretty impressive to have the entire year planned. Most of the activities are similar to what you would find at a normal resort like karaoke or a Mardi Gras party. But the one activity that caught my eye was their Adopt a Highway, Litter Pickup events. So, do they go out on I-95 naked with the exception of a neon vest? And I’m paying to be on vacation, not naked on the side of the road cleaning up litter.

firefighterQuestion #6- Volunteer Firefighters

Why are there onsight volunteer firefighters and are they naked when putting out fires? Based on any nudist resort, my guess is these aren’t the hot firefighters one would see on a calendar. Instead, the ones that have drank way too much beer and ate way too much chili.

Question #7- Why Does This Place Resemble a Cult?

As I look at the pictures and the “amenities”, this whole place resembles either a cult and/or camp. Not that I was thinking this would resemble a swanky hotel but this place looks like a shit hole. And I love the one picture they show of a vacationer is a middle-aged woman with cellulite, next to a morbidly obese man with his ass facing her so you can see the rolls upon rolls of fat. Maybe they should look into stock photos.

This place is too much. I don’t know what type of brain you need to have to think any of this is ok. I worry about how I look with clothes on. Can you imagine the emotional abuse you’d put yourself through being 100% exposed? Not to mention the creepy people that are at a place like this, not for the “freedom” of being naked but to be complete perverts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go put an additional layer of clothing on right now.

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