Craig’s List Missed Connections

Craig's List Missed Connection

So this evening, I wanted to put together a post about all the stupid shit people try to sell on Craig’s List. But no gentle reader, God doesn’t give us what we want, he gives us what we need. Just as I was about to begin the search for stupid stuff for sale, I spied with my little eye the following two words: MISSED CONNECTIONS.

‘What pray tell is this?’ I asked myself, excited about what was behind door #1. I clicked MISSED CONNECTIONS and God yes, it’s everything I wanted in a Craig’s List post, and then some. Posts are from people who haven’t utilized social media a day in their lives to find a “missed connection”. In reality, it’s just stalkers wanting to meet someone they saw. So throw away everything you know about grammar and punctuation and hop on the stalker train! Next stop? Restraining Orderville! TOOT! TOOT!

train GIF

beautiful jogger

Gawd, really? He’s like you did 5 laps, jogging at approximately 9 MPH with an average heart rate of 145 BPM. This woman probably wouldn’t give this dude the time of day.


you know who you are

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! CONTACT ME! Not with that tone of voice sir.


banged up white car

bom dia hello GIF


walking your dogWho’s “we” and why do you care if this person sees this? What’s your end game here Martha?


woman

Well, you’re obviously a stupid stalker. You wrote your address down wrong? What are you, in 3rd grade? Yeah, I’m sure this hot woman will be so glad to connect with you. And the fact that you know what vehicle she drives and left a note on it? I don’t think so buddy.


looking for a fun woman

So dude, is this like a Craig’s List thing? You show up at a person’s house and the gal’s dude is ready to get freaky-deaky too? Thank you for clarifying the following:

  • Discretion is optional
  • That single = no drama
  • That you are straight = no threesome with another male

Nationwide Park

Dude, first of all, please go back to English class. Second, never assume that someone is someone’s mom. How is that even relevant? So you looked at a stranger several times? Well that narrows it down to probably 400 people for the day.


North Meijer

More than likely, she will not see this.


Good daughter

Are you fuckin’ high? Where did this even come from? This is the MISSED CONNECTIONS page, not the INSPIRING QUOTES page.


Kroger Saturday

“And children, that’s how I met your father……”


 

jogger

Who does this ass hole think he is? Tell me what color your underwear was? Showing your underwear and it was hot? You are a disgusting man and I pray to the sweet baby Jesus that if this scenario actually happened that this woman realizes what a sicko you are and avoids you at all cost. You are the reason I teach my sons that there are weirdos everywhere.


fast response lady

This one left me with my mouth open in disbelief for about 20 seconds. I had to read it twice because I was in denial someone actually wrote this. Wow!


chubby tattoo

And………


Charlies Steak

I love how half of these martyrs/stalkers are always like “I know you’ll probably never ready this”. Then why fucking post it? Anyway, what if she likes working there? And never judge a book by its cover, “you are a very nice decent girl”. For godsakes, I’m the poster child of never judge a book by it’s cover.


tall brown hair

I liked the way your shoulders looked? Then the whole comment about being a Mormon (SMH). Now, the last thing I highlighted: We made love and you used that bun in an innovative way. I am so flippin’ confused with this comment. Did you guys have imaginary sex via a baconator? And you know what? Don’t ever….ever…ever bring chili into a sexual context. Chili is as sexy as dentures.

I told you guys this was a nugget. I cannot believe the shit people write. And this is just a teeny weeny slice of Craig’s List. I could check out all the comments on MISSED CONNECTIONS in L.A., NY, Miami, Chicago…….

 

 

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