Do you know some of my most heavily trafficked posts are the ones I do on creepy Medieval paintings? And why not? It’s so baffling to me that someone painted these (lots of someones actually). I want to open up their brain and see what’s going on in there. If I were to guess, it would be a weird carnival combined with Pennywise smiling up at me, waving with one hand, holding a red balloon in the other. Ewww….good thoughts….good thoughts….puppies…..kittens…..babies……ok, I’m back.
Anyway, I’ve assembled another 10 creepy AF Medieval paintings along with commentary. This edition is Medieval ladies’ night. Why? Well, why the hell not have a ladies’ night edition? If you menfolk are feeling left out, I’m sure I can put together a bros’ night. Oh, maybe I’ll even do a bros’ and hos’ night. If you want to check out the other creepy Medieval posts, here you go:
10 Creepy Medieval Paintings- Ladies Night
Not a Good One Night Stand
I don’t think Karen was happy with Marc’s performance last night. In lieu of ghosting him, she took matters into her own hands. Maybe she wasn’t partial to Marc’s haircut? I know I’m not. And what’s up with the dude wearing a hat during sex? I wonder if Karen is putting this on her Insta. Like, she had her friend sneak into the room and she’s like, “Ok, I want you to take my pic. Now, should I just look like I’m gazing at something and type #blessed?” “Yeah, but here,” she hands her a knife, “hold the knife while you’re doing it,” Kaley says.
Dear God what is going on here? This looks like it hurts sooo bad. Couldn’t the painter have painted a bowl of fruit? Was she drunk and as a dare they convinced her to get her nipples pierced? And the look on her face is like,
“Come on guys. It’s like you’re not even trying.”
I don’t know the background of this painting nor do I care to know the background because it’s making me cringe.
Ring Around the Rosy
Is this some sort of drug-induced train wreck? And who’s the sorcerer in the middle? I love that they are all in some sort of coral and there are musicians playing a song for them to dance to. But the one thing that caught my eye which is as important as the fact that these grown-ass adults are dancing around naked is Yoda! Look! There’s a dude with Yoda ears!
Picnic With the Devil
What kind of fresh hell is this painting? Here are these ladies, just trying to enjoy their tea and crumpets. The dude on the ground I’m assuming was hitting on one of the ladies and bag o’bones wasn’t having it, thus stepping on his throat. Now the 2 chicks on the blanket, they’re expressions are what one would expect should a Skelatore like figure step on someone’s neck. The lady on the left, I’m a bit concerned about. Her expression is more of a “business as usual situation.”
Hangover Medieval Style
I wanted this one enlarged for you guys because I want you to see this large scale dumpster fire up close. The painting is called the Fountain of Life I think. I sincerely think the “fountain” is ale and obviously, they’ve partaken in the drink. If someone asked me to describe this painting, I would tell them it’s like a senior citizen center let loose, mixed with rapy undertones. I would say one part of the painting disturbs me more than others but really all of it just probably shouldn’t have happened.
Bachelorette Party Outfit?
After several outfit changes, I would assume this is what Megan landed on. Or maybe she’s going to a bachelorette party and this is her penis hat? I don’t know.
Ok, I don’t know which is stranger, the fact that the guy seems to be wearing somewhat modern looking underwear or that the pillow looks like boobs facing each other.
Linda obviously wants to get laid, perhaps again and Bob isn’t having it. Linda, it’s pretty desperate on your part. No means no Linda. It’s his body, his choice.
Welp folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll never understand most of these paintings. I’m sure it was completely normal back then but my God, it’s as if the entire world population ate lead paint during childhood.