10 Creepy Ancient Paintings

So you guys liked the 10 Creepy Medieval Paintings so much, I thought we would take a stroll through another time period. I challenged myself to find equally disturbing paintings that would leave one with so many questions. Ancient man did not disappoint. First of all, these people were super sexual. They didn’t need filters or photoshop, no. They just simply painted their junk bigger. Below are 10 creepy ancient paintings that I hope you enjoy but at the same time, cringe.

The First Dick Pic

Ok, this dude needs to calm down because no one is believing your junk is that big. You could have painted it half the size and still got the respect you think you deserve.

dic pic 2

And one more thought about this painting. He’ looking very greased up. I think he used olive oil so everything would shine?? Dear Lord, moving on.

The First Selfie

I’m surprised these guys didn’t do those awful duckbill lips. You know the one that girls do to look sexy but don’t. I think the guy is holding the phone because he seems to be focused on where the lens is. The girl is distracted because her friend Karen is leaving with a guy…..and he has a patch on his eye.

couple selfie

Creepy Baby

Clearly this artist was way off with proportions. Plus this kid looks like a leech on his mother or somehow her neck opened up and this baby came out. And what’s with the spider webs on her hair. Did she just clean the basement?

mom and baby


Is this a human skull? I don’t think it is because of the teeth and the ear hole. It’s like someone took the time to decorate around the skull. Like it was maybe the backsplash of an ancient sink.


Dick Pic #2

Oh come on! Dude! The artist was probably like, a $20s a $20 but no amount of paint is going to help that toothpick. He looks angry too. Like he could use that thing for a weapon. And also, what is he holding in his right hand? It looks like something he just killed.

dic pic

Compromising Position

Did someone sit for this painting and did they have to stay like this for hours? Again, if I learned anything about these ancient paintings it’s that they loved their members and weren’t shy about putting them on display….or enlarging them.

doggie style

The First Gang Fight

“Hey guys, watch this!” Is what the dude with the hose of flames is saying to his friends behind him. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is getting drunk on mead. That would be a pretty horrific way to die. And how did that dude even do that with the flames? They barely had the wheel at this point, let alone a torch that projects!


Tell Me More

I guess I picked this painting because these people look completely relaxed sitting naked, spread wide. At least she’s modest and threw on a bedsheet!

tell me more

1AD or 1975?

That is the question. Seriously, this fro is cracking me up. It looks like someone paid to have their fro permanently in stone.


The First Bra Fitting at Victoria’s Secret

When I first saw this painting it reminded me of my encounter at my hotel. I asked the front desk clerk for a trash can liner. He instead, gives me a pack of matches. The closest we ever got to a trash can liner was a sandwich bag. That being said, I don’t know why there is a photo of one woman squeezing another’s boob. Maybe it was the first breast cancer screening campaign? Obviously, this needed to be included.


So what do you guys think? I’m thinking that my next installment will be either the early 1800’s or the Victorian time. They all had their freaky-deaky pictures and I plan on finding them and bringing them to you!











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