If the Golden Girls & Tiger King Collaborated

Tiger King

I’ve picked the hottest month of the year to fly down to Florida and sit in my own sweat for approximately 6 days. Why? Because I NEED A VACATION. I’ve taken a combined total of 1.5 days off this year and I’m about to snap. It really is a recipe for stress….

STRESS STEW

Number of Servings: Anyone not in a coma

Ingredients

  • 1 pandemic
  • Shortage of grocery store staples
  • 6 weeks of quarantine
  • 1 week of social unrest
  • Social distancing EVERYWHERE

Mix all that together and you have a heaping pile of shit that I want to honestly throw in SOMEBODY’S FACE!

Ahem…..I told you I need a vacation.

Picking the Vacation House

Do you want to know what 90% of vacation homes in Florida look like? Picture if the Golden Girls and the Tiger King did a collaboration on home decor. THAT’S what these houses look like. The typical decor are pouffy couches, particleboard dressers and chairs that were probably an Ivanka Trump partnership with JC Penny’s. How can you spend $500,000+ on these beautiful homes then ruin them by painting a wall purple and having faux flowers everywhere?

tiger king plus golden girls

I just legit don’t have any feeling in my right index finger from scrolling. Just when I click on a cute house, I swipe to the living room only to find the last tenants were the 1980’s and they left everything behind.

owners feesRidiculous Rental Fees

So I’m quickly learning that the nightly fee is just a fraction of what you pay in total. Want to know a little secret? Click on the house you like then take a look at the owner fees. Here is an example to the left. What I found is some charge for additional guests. WTAF? I played around with numbers and the additional guest is anything over 2 people from some sellers! So you’re renting a 4 bedroom home for only 2 people? Oh, it just pisses me off to no end. This one place, quoted $600 as the standard cleaning fee! I’m sorry, are you burning everything to the ground and starting over?

The Dream Home

And then I found it…the dream home. It’s like angels began to sing and my family agreed on one thing for the first time in our lives. We absolutely love this house but there is one little problem. It’s about $800 over our budget. I began to Google, “is it painful to donate plasma?” My 15-year-old went through the house, looking for what we could sell and came up with either the bike my husband never rides or the 1982 Porsche that has been sitting in our garage for a decade. I preferred the selling of the Porsche until I received the death look and decided for health purposes, the bike would be better. Side note, our 3-year-old neighbor once came to my house when I was hosting a garage sale. He offered me 3 crinkled $1 dollar bills for the Porsche. I did seriously consider his offer.

We are just deciding now if we can sell an organ or something to pay for it. Perhaps I’ll become a surrogate. That pays a lot, right? 43 isn’t too old, right?

 

 

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