An Open Letter to Airlines

Airlines

Dear Airlines,

This letter stems from my flight I just disembarked from 2 hours ago. I’d like to call out my concerns as this is pertinent to all airlines that have a coach section.

I should not have to feel like this: airlines

I thought I had won the lottery today as the lovely flight attendant asked if I wanted to take the bulk head seat. Maybe we should save that row in case the royal family or other dignatires board I thought. Bulk head and an aisle seat? This was down right decadent.

But I would soon learn even the bulk head aisle sucks. Sure, you have more leg room that’s on par with that of a smart car but there are things I don’t have/have to endure:

  • No tray for my junior miss glass of pop or a place for my 4 pretzels.
  • No storage in front of me.
  • Main route to use the restroom thus resulting in my head and arm being slapped by asses, hips and stomachs.
  • No seatback pocket to put my bottle of water.

It’s Like You Want to Make Us Sardines

What’s your obsession with cramming us all on your stupid planes? Do you enjoy watching us attempt to get comfortable while not accidentally feeling up the strager next to us? It’s like Mission Impossible just to get out of your seat, open up the overhead bins and get your laptop out, all while not putting your ass or crotch in a strangers face. Extra points if you don’t drop something on their heads too.

I want you to picture this: I didn’t use my left armrest the entire flight as I generously gave that up to the guy that had to sit in the middle seat. I didn’t have a tray and considering I was being slapped every 3 minutes by people walking to the restroom on the luxuriously wide, 18″ aisle, I didn’t want to risk spilling Coca-Cola onto my laptop. This meant I had to ask for a lid, like I was a toddler. The flight attendant thought I was joking until I told her I was dead serious.

So now I have my coke and pretzels on my laptop keyboard, moving them around as I attempt to type. I continue to get slapped in the head every few minutes by people going to the bathroom. You may wonder by now, where I put my cell phone during the flight. This was the only time in my life I considered putting my phone in my bra. I opted against this and placed my phone under my left thigh. This meant that everytime I went to get my phone, I had to treat the stranger next to me like Operation and avoid grazing his thigh like a dirty business traveler.

Unless all airlines are run by elves, I don’t see how you can say this is a great experience. It’s not. For example, I looked over to my right to see 3 very husky and tall guys. One guy couldn’t even put his tray down because his legs wouldn’t clear it. They were wedged in there tighter than Spanx on an elephant.

Profit Suggestion

Look, I get ya’ll are a bunch of greedy bastards. Not the flight attendants or pilots but the airline CEO’s, Presidents, etc, that only fly first class or private jet. You don’t run the risk of a blood clot in your legs because you haven’t been able to move them for 2.5 hours. So here is my proposal:

Step 1

Take out 2-3 rows of seats.

Step 2

Use this extra room to allow for more leg room FOR ALL rows! Don’t get greedy and say you’ve expanded leg room on some rows but it’s titanic steerage“business class”. THIS ISN’T THE FUCKING TITANIC. COACH DOESN’T EQUAL STEERAGE!

Step 3

Expand the bathroom by a few inches. You know, enough to where you can actually turn around.

Step 4

Here’s where you make up for your “lost profit”. Actually it was never really lost as you didn’t have this many seats in the history of flight anyways. You offer food for purchase. I’ve traveled for business most of my adult life and when one has a per diem or better yet, an unlimited budget, you don’t think twice about purchasing a $15 cheeseburger. I know you can make room for food because as a teen, I remember getting huge meals on airplanes. They say that’s how movie theaters make their money. And did they add more seats? No. In fact, my local theater ripped out every seat and installed bulkier dream loungers. You might want to look at the movie theater model. They’re obviously on to something.

Final Thought

In closing, I’m an annoyed flyer. I’m not even overweight or tall. Keep trying to make an extra buck and see what happens in the long run to your profit. Either fix the flying experience or watch a newer, younger, smarter company come in and fill the void.

Regards,

A Hot Mess Flyer

 

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