I hate January so much it’s not even funny. I’ve tried to be positive about the month, tryin’ to find the positive about it but you know what? There isn’t anything good about January. Now mind you, I’m talking about January in Ohio, not Southern California or Florida. So if you live in any of these regions, I don’t want to hear about how it’s a crisp 62 degrees or how the sun shines bright where you are. That makes me want to scream! Here are 10 reasons why January is the armpit of the year….
10 Reasons Why I Hate January
- I’d say about the end of October, a thick layer of cloud descends upon Ohio and doesn’t leave till Mid March. I heard Bear Grylls on NPR last week give a tip on how to tell what time it is by comparing the sun to the horizon. Well Bear, walk me through how the hell I’m suppose to do that if it’s perpetually cloudy!
- To piggy-back on the no sun, the sun sets by 5:45 PM every…fucking….night! 7PM feels like 10 PM. For several months, you have to fight the urge to go to bed at 7:30.
- No leaves- The trees are ugly. Branches look like anorexic crack horrors. The lush green leaves we love in June have gone away.
- Bad roads- Driving on the roads in January is an act of survival. I can say with authority I have successfully blown through 3-4 of my 9 lives during the winter months. Usually after sliding off the road, I lean my head against the cold window, thanking God profusely that I’m still alive and this didn’t end in a wreck.
- Christmas Lights Go Away- I can make it through December because of Christmas lights. In January, they all go away with the exception of Billy Bob. He refuses to take down the lights because he didn’t think that one through that he would have to take them down in January. Regardless we are left in absolute darkness.
- It’s Cold as Fuck- When I was a kid, I remember my nose hairs freezing. It’s such an odd feeling and I hate it. How I see ass holes jogging at 7 am in January when it’s 13 degrees is beyond me. Put the weight on friend, you can loose it in May. Also, you have sweaters to cover the muffin top(s).
- No Celebrations- There are 0 celebrations in January. There is nothing to celebrate and I’m sorry, National Adulting Day in January doesn’t count.
- You Avoid the Outdoors- There are people out there that “love to ski” or “love to snowboard”. Me? I would be the one in the chalet (I don’t even know what a chalet is, I’ve just heard it used before with skiing) hot tub claiming the slopes were “too busy” for me, while holding up my wine glass to be refilled. I don’t even know how to ski.
- Starting Your Car- You have to start your car…oh…approximately….20 minutes before you want to drive it. There is 5″ of snow and ice on your windshield that if you don’t wait the whole 20 minutes, you’re stuck scrapping off.
- January is a Month of Deprivation Everyone goes on a diet so everyone is hungry, hangry and pissed off. Just coming off a month of pure indulgence chocolate, wine, steak….and this is just on my birthday. There is nothing more depressing then slowly chewing a baby carrot while looking out the window at the blowing snow, knowing you have to go out there and scrape your windows.
So maybe you are reading this from Alaska or Iceland or somewhere even colder and for that, you should move. If I were rich, believe you me, we would be on the next flight to somewhere your nose hairs wouldn’t freeze together.