Rants · Ridiculousness

10 Reasons Why January is the Armpit of the Year

I hate January so much it’s not even funny. I’ve tried to be positive about the month, tryin’ to find the positive about it but you know what? There isn’t anything good about January. Now mind you, I’m talking about January in Ohio, not Southern California or Florida. So if you live in any of these regions, I don’t want to hear about how it’s a crisp 62 degrees or how the sun shines bright where you are. That makes me want to scream! Here are 10 reasons why January is the armpit of the year….

10 Reasons Why I Hate January

  1. I’d say about the end of October, a thick layer of cloud descends upon Ohio and doesn’t leave till Mid March. I heard Bear Grylls on NPR last week give a tip on how to tell what time it is by comparing the sun to the horizon. Well Bear, walk me through how the hell I’m suppose to do that if it’s perpetually cloudy!
  2. To piggy-back on the no sun, the sun sets by 5:45 PM every…fucking….night! 7PM feels like 10 PM. For several months, you have to fight the urge to go to bed at 7:30.
  3. No leaves- The trees are ugly. Branches look like anorexic crack horrors. The lush green leaves we love in June have gone away.
  4. Bad roads- Driving on the roads in January is an act of survival. I can say with authority I have successfully blown through 3-4 of my 9 lives during the winter months. Usually after sliding off the road, I lean my head against the cold window, thanking God profusely that I’m still alive and this didn’t end in a wreck.
  5. Christmas Lights Go Away- I can make it through December because of Christmas lights. In January, they all go away with the exception of Billy Bob. He refuses to take down the lights because he didn’t think that one through that he would have to take them down in January. Regardless we are left in absolute darkness.
  6. It’s Cold as Fuck- When I was a kid, I remember my nose hairs freezing. It’s such an odd feeling and I hate it. How I see ass holes jogging at 7 am in January when it’s 13 degrees is beyond me. Put the weight on friend, you can loose it in May. Also, you have sweaters to cover the muffin top(s).
  7. No Celebrations- There are 0 celebrations in January. There is nothing to celebrate and I’m sorry, National Adulting Day in January doesn’t count.
  8. You Avoid the Outdoors- There are people out there that “love to ski” or “love to snowboard”. Me? I would be the one in the chalet (I don’t even know what a chalet is, I’ve just heard it used before with skiing) hot tub claiming the slopes were “too busy” for me, while holding up my wine glass to be refilled. I don’t even know how to ski.
  9. Starting Your Car- You have to start your car…oh…approximately….20 minutes before you want to drive it. There is 5″ of snow and ice on your windshield that if you don’t wait the whole 20 minutes, you’re stuck scrapping off.
  10. January is a Month of Deprivation Everyone goes on a diet so everyone is hungry, hangry and pissed off. Just coming off a month of pure indulgence chocolate, wine, steak….and this is just on my birthday. There is nothing more depressing then slowly chewing a baby carrot while looking out the window at the blowing snow, knowing you have to go out there and scrape your windows.

So maybe you are reading this from Alaska or Iceland or somewhere even colder and for that, you should move. If I were rich, believe you me, we would be on the next flight to somewhere your nose hairs wouldn’t freeze together.

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25 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why January is the Armpit of the Year

  1. The sun sets even earlier here in the UK. It’s fully dark by 5pm when I finish work. My drive to work in the morning is dark too so I actually don’t feel like Monday to Friday I see any daylight. I think January is depressing. Nobody has any money following Christmas, the decorations and lights come down so it feels darker and more bare and there’s nothing to look forward to!

    1. YES! YES! AND MORE YES!!Do you see why I wrote this post?!? You are in a different country and experiencing the same thing as me! It’s almost like we need to set a global holiday to look forward to in January or change the times so we actually see the daylight. And I thought I had it bad seeing maybe an hours worth of daylight before and after work. That is pretty damn depressing. Jesus!

    1. You go girl! I love that you don’t fight the urge. We kinda’ have this unwritten rule that we can’t go to sleep before our sons go to sleep and you know kids…..they’d stay up till 1 am if we let them.

  2. I’ve never hated any particular month before, but you give good points for January. I AM a snowboarder, cold doesn’t seem to bother me as it does most, and we park our cars in our garage during the winter, so we don’t have to scrape windshields or warm up the car for 20 minutes before we leave. Plus, since I work for the state, I have a 4 day weekend in the middle of the month (Lee Jackson Day- Friday, MLK jr. Day- Monday), so I have that to look forward to…

    If you want to feel a bit better about your situation, you can read my post I just wrote about; I’m sure you’ll come out of it feeling a bit better: https://bexoxoblog.wordpress.com/2019/01/03/next-time-on-the-real-housewives/

    1. Ok….what the hell is Lee Jackson day? Are you kidding me? They give that day off? I get MLK (I don’t get that off) but Lee Jackson day? I would put my car in the garage buy my husband has a 1982 Porsche that he’s never going to fix along with a riding lawn mower on the other side which I’m not happy about. You are so lucky you have a clean garage! I’ll check out your post today!

        1. I looked it up and this is rich. It celebrates a confederate solider. I’m sure there is a back story I did not read that maybe he switched sides and helped Lincoln win the war and that’s why we celebrate him? I don’t know.

  3. I would normally agree with you on all of this, and I know that I’d going to jinx my life by saying this, but January hasn’t actually been that bad up here. We don’t have much snow yet (in Toronto at least) but the weather is a little cold, but it’s tolerable. I haven’t worn my snow boots once all season! Right now, it’s 0 degrees (32 for you I believe). *knocks on wood, throws salt over her shoulder, whatever else she can do to not jinx it*

    Move here. Be happier.

    1. I’d move there just for your Prime Minister….oh wait…did I say that out loud? Anyway, I’m guessing weather up there is overall colder all year around. Is that a fair statement? It gets to be 38C in July here, all the way to -25C in January (I think I did the conversion right). In Ohio, positive people like to say we get all 4 seasons. In reality, Mother Nature is schizo where in the same day we can have snow, rain, wind and the temp can go from 16C to -2C within hours. Ohioians are very good at layering. I’m knocking on my Ikea wood, but not wood desk for you right now!

      1. Ooo our weather is the samesies. Although we also add on humidity in the summer (real feel of 32 but feels like 38) and the windchill in the winter (really -10 but feels like -25) lol and we have the same with the seasons all in one day. Or week. Haha! Over Christmas it went from -10 with snow to rainy then freezing rain and then plus 10 all over the course of four days. Straight up bananas!

        1. Yeah, and weather forecasters can never get it right. When they say a jacket isn’t needed I grab one. When they say bring an umbrella, I don’t. I’ve learned to do the opposite of them. So yeah, sounds like you have schitzo weather there too. I hate it!

  4. I don’t miss that – I grew up in Saskatchewan, but am very lucky we moved to Victoria, BC 12 year ago. So, we do get the 4:30 sun-go-away time to go to bed now blues, but none of the other fun that comes with January. Keep warm – it will end!

  5. I would normally agree wholeheartedly with all of this, but January is my birthday month! It’s a celebration all month long! But, the taking down of the Christmas lights really does bum me out 👎🏻

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