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5 Things I Don’t Understand

I’ve always said, if irony was a person, they would be a comedian. Why? Because irony can be funny. Irony can also be a little bitch. I always think of Alanis Morissette’s line of “10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife,” when I’m going through my plastic cutlery at work and can’t find what I need. After getting my jeans at Old Navy this weekend, I began to think of other things that baffled me and thought I would list them here.

Super Skinny Jean

About those Old Navy jeans…..if I have to go up 2 sizes just to fit into the super skinny jeans, are they super skinny anymore? No, there not. They’re fat-ass jeans now and should be called such. I don’t feel super skinny going up two sizes jut to make them fit.

Juice Cups at Hotels

Ok, stick with me here. Why when you go to chain hotels such as a Hampton Inn or Fairfield Inn, are the cup sizes on par with a doll house set? You get this iddy-biddy Dixie cup that you now have to walk up and fill 5 times just to get the normal amount you’d normally drink at home. I get that we eat more in 2018 versus 1920 but come on, let’s maybe go from a 4 ounce cup to an 8 ounce cup.

Hand-crafted Sandwiches

This always makes me laugh when marketing uses this terminology to make their sandwiches seem fancier. How the hell else will these sandwiches be put together? Foot-crafted sandwiches? Robot-crafted sandwiches? Magically appear sandwiches? It should go without saying how the stupid sandwich is made.

Smoothies

When McDonald’s got smoothies, I was overjoyed. I could finally grab something quick and healthy from them. But then I actually watched how they made the smoothies and I don’t recall seeing any sort of fruit being poured into the blender. Just chemicals, water and ice. And I’ve seen other “smoothie” restaurants do the same thing and I wanna be like, “that’s not a smoothie! That’s a liquid fruit roll-up!”

Women’s Halloween Costumes

Why are women’s costumes so slutty? I’m not looking to go as a nun or Jaba the Hut but come on! I’m currently searching for a Marie Antoinette costume and the results are along the lines of baroque ho’. Can’t we meet in the middle here? This year we’re invited to a costume party so this gives me an excuse to dress up but I’m not going to go at it looking like a street-walker. Do better costume people. In fact, that’s an untapped niche out there. I think I’ll open up a costume shop and call it NOT SLUTTY WOMEN’S HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. It has a certain ring, don’t you think?

So what are the things that confuse you? Leaves you shaking your head?

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6 thoughts on “5 Things I Don’t Understand

  1. The costume issue… YAAASSSS! This is why I’ve made my own costumes for the past 10 years! I JUST WANT TO BE A SCARECROW, NOT A SCAREHO!!

    1. A scareho! I love it! I know! I mean, at what point did the women of the world get together and rally for sluttier costumes? I must have missed that one. I’ve never in my life heard a woman announce, “you know what? I want to look like a street walker this year”.

      1. Plus, Halloween is f’in cold for most states in the US. Ain’t no body wanna freeze their snatch off just to look cute… actually I’m sure there are plenty of pinheads who do that, but come on!!

        1. Oh yeah I’ve seen women like that and I just laugh at them. You know they’re cold but if you ask them, they’re like “no, I have a tolerance for the cold,” or something lame like tha.

    1. I thought about going as a Handmaid from the Handmaid’s tale and I bet if I did that, the costume would be hiked up, past my knees b/c some perv at Party City thinks thats what we are looking for in a costume.

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