I am embarrassed for all the people on House Hunters that say, “there isn’t any room for entertaining”. What are you, a fuckin’ party planner? Perhaps you’re a lounge singer and you’re gonna have everyone over to sing Tiny Bubbles (don’t google it, it’s sang by a man named Elvis Presley).
I don’t want anyone to come over. I don’t want to entertain. My house is a mess, I only have enough wine for me and taco Tuesday isn’t gonna fill you up. Gone are the days of making adorable little cocktails. I remember one Christmas as a newlywed, I attempted to dye sugar red then coat the martini glass with it. It looked so cute in Cosmo, I could totally do that.
But I couldn’t do that. Red sugar fell to the floor (which my now deceased Chihuahua gladly licked up) and the sugar that didn’t, coated my sisters’ and mother’s lips to resemble vampires that just had their first kill. It was a mess and I never “entertained” like that again.
So where am I going with this? I want to see a White Trash House Hunters. Random scenarios have been going through my mind and I want to get it out before the waves of time erase it.
Perky House Hunters Voiceover: House One is located atop the land of a former mercury thermometer factory in the Whispy Meadows Trailer Park. This fixer upper has 2 bedrooms and a sink for a horror’s bath and comes in just under budget at $37,000.
Tanqueray: I love the built-in book shelves. Jeff, you could display yer’ Mountain Dew collector cans.
Jeff: Tang, I love the wood paneling. My dogs playing poker painting could go right here (Jeff blocks off a square with his arms on the wood paneling).
Perky House Hunters Voiceover: House Two isa stand-alone, 3 bedroom home with an above ground pool. Within walking distance of National Check Cashers, a nail salon and a liquor store, Tanqueray is loving the location.
Tanqueray: Look babe, we’re only half a mile from Dwight’s Spirited Spirits!
Jeff: Don’t know bout’ the pool though. Bob gets too drunk, he’ll fall in and drown.
Perky House Hunters Voiceover: We’ve seen a trailer on the land of a former mercury thermometer factory, featuring built-in book shelves for Jeff’s Mountain Dew can collection. House 2 was a stand alone that Tanqueray fell in love with due to the closeness of her favorite check cashing shop. But Jeff was concerned about his best friend Bob, drowning in the above ground pool.
House three is slightly over budget at $39,000. But Tanqueray and Jeff’s realtor Linda, promises it has everything on their wish list, including…….an outdoor meth lab.
Tanqueray: Ahhh, look babe (outside of the house), it’s an outdoor meth lab! If it blows up, Digger and Rebel (Tanqueray and Jeff’s pit bulls) stand a real chance this time!
(they both chuckle, showing missing teeth)
Jeff: That’s amazing! Let’s go inside!
Tanqueray: There’s so much space. I feel like I’m at the mutha’ fuckin’ Taj Mahal! What are the trailer park fees?
Jeff: That’s a drawback. No seriously, how we gonna’ swing it? (Jeff ponders for a moment. Allowing his eyes to become crossed or something fucked up because he’s inbred). Spose’ I could give plasma one extra time next year. Need to weigh 110, I weigh 97 (Jeff thinks for a minute). Bob works at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. If he gives me 1 more pretzel with dippin’ cheese each week, I’ll reach the minimum weight by June 34th!
Tanqueray: Babe, don’t pressure yourself. I’ll make lead cashier at Walmart before black Friday, promise! My boss is totally buying why I’m late every day. Told’er I’m helping orphans with cleft palates.
Jeff: Babe, you so smart. You like those people on Wheel of Fortune or The Voice.
(Tanqueray makin’ bedroom eyes at Jeff)
Tanqueray: I know. I didn’t stay in school till nife’ grade or somethin’. Why you think my mama’ named me after an alcohol? Cause I’m in…toxicat…..ing. (Tanqueray passes out for the next 72 hours after this declaration).
Final Scene/Decision Time
At the plasma donation center, both Tanqueray and Jeff are hooked up to machines that are swishing and swashing their cells and plasma, around and around. They look at each other to discuss their 3 options.
Tanqueray: I really liked house 2. It was close to National Check Cashiers so anytime I want to pay down my 200% interest loan, I can.
Jeff: Yeah but, I think we can agree that house 1 is a little too small. I don’t think a sink bath would remove all the mercury from the grounds.
(Trailer 1 is “x”ed out in a huge, dramatic fashion as they always do on HGTV)
Tanqueray: I loved house 3. It had the outdoor meth lab we were looking for and we could entertain without worrin’ bout’ blowin’ up the family or dogs.
Jeff: Yeah, but it was over budget.
Tanqueray: Who said they’d come here for extra donations? (Tanqueray says in her sweetest voice while sporting her new Pall Mall t-shirt)
Jeff: I did (Jeff says while rolling his eyes)! Ok……House 3 it is!
3 Months Later
Tanqueray: We are so happy we picked this house! I was brought up on charges of prostitution and as luck would have it, I’m within walking distance of my parole officer.
Jeff (outside in eye goggles): I love the new meth lab. It’s well thought out. It’s safer than in the trailer. You just couldn’t ask for a more modern, updated set-up. No seriously, just call me Walter White (winks then giggles).
And que the music. You’re welcome.