Hot Mess’s Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve

It’s Christmas Even and I woke up in a panic. It was 6:30 a.m. and I don’t think I hadn’t hid the elf on the f’ing shelf last night. Last night, my husband and I dared each other to watch IT. Though not the scariest movies I’ve seen (that’s reserved for the Exorcist), it had been a long time since I had watched a horror movie and it did not disappoint.

I came downstairs, expecting to find it in the same place we left it yesterday, leaning up against the wall in the kitchen. It was gone. We had a few to drink the previous night and I must have hidden it but forgot where. After 10 minutes and checking in places like the oven, microwave and trash can, I began to laugh. I thought, ‘When you hide the elf drunk, the next morning is an adventure for you too since you must now find the elf too.’

Eventually I said fuck it and decided I would tell my youngest that this was the day the elf went back to the north pole so that’s why he isn’t here anymore, just in case I did indeed throw it out or burn it in the fire pit. You’ll be pleased to know this afternoon, I found where I hid it- it was camouflaged, sitting on the Christmas tree.


Because of the lack of sleep, I had enough baggage under my eyes to take me to Europe. I know a million pics would be taken this evening and I didn’t want to look like death. On that same note, have you ever noticed when you try to camouflage your fatigue by putting more make-up on, the result is looking like a corpse at a funeral home? I never want to go to a party and hear someone say,

“They did a really good job on her face. It looks just like her.”

I headed over to YouTube to find a tutorial. After realizing I had none of the makeup required nor the patience to sit through more than 30 seconds, I said “screw it!” out loud and Googled HOW TO REMOVE BAGS UNDER EYES.

5 minutes later I’m laying down with a strawberry under one eye. I figured that if I did only one, I could see if it really helps. My biggest concern was the juice somehow staining my skin before going to my Aunt’s Christmas Eve party this evening. I’d look like a battered woman and everyone would be asking “is everything is all right.”

The berry didn’t help nor did it stain my skin. For good measure, I placed the same berry under the other eye, waited a few minutes then debated on eating it. I didn’t and I began applying 4 layers of make-up. I hope I don’t look like a horror.


So that’s pretty much it. I have all my food prepared, presents wrapped and a spotless house. I’m threatening all lives in an effort to keep it clean before family arrives. Hopefully Chichi can be respectful and take an evening off from pissing on the floor.

Merry Christmas everyone! 


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