Gentlemen, I am not trying to alienate you but considering 98% of you puke upon the mention of periods, just skip this post. Trust me. I’ll talk about bacon and boobs or something tomorrow.
I’m beginning to realize that when menopause happens (I’m years away), it’s not going to be so bad. I mean, my tamoxifen already causes me to have hot flashes so I’m experienced with that. I thought I was on the road to the big M starting last week as my period showed up in the faintest of ways.
“Ha-ha! J/K bitch!” My period hollered over to me yesterday with her pierced tongue, wearing a midriff and sweat pants that read JUICY on her ass. Yes, in my mind, my period is a super hot mess.
My First Period
When I was 12, I hid my period from my parents for about 5 days. Periods, like sex was something I filed under the awkward tab and I had no desire to “go there” with them. I have never been the type to look like a Tampax Pearl commercial where I am having tea with my mother, my grandmother and my great-grandmother at a table in the middle of a field. We would be having a moment and smiling at each other. The wise ones would be bestowing their wisdom on me, explaining how in lieu of a plastic applicator, they would take the burlap bags from their flour, fold them up and place them in their knickers. Side note, for all the commercials that show a table in the middle of a field with like 20 chairs, why would you do that? And how do you get all those chairs, that long table and the food to this field? You never see any sign of a car or U-haul truck.
So to get back on topic, I somehow managed to hide the debris of my period for 5 days. How I did that is beyond me as each Kotex “napkin” was equivalent in size to a plantain and our bathroom trash cans were the size of a shoe box. You do the math.
So now I sit here typing while taking deep breaths as if every cramp is a contraction. I am going to lay out why periods are the worst. Enjoy.
Why Periods Are The Worst
- You walk around all day long (at least during the first days) paranoid you have a gigantic red circle on your ass. Though this has never happened in my 28 years of menstruating, it’s still a possibility.
- How many times have you woken up to what looks to be a miscarriage during the night? Sure, you used the boxing bag size tampon and a memory foam pillow pad…with wings and you still bled on everything!
- You ruin your underwear. Sure, when you think the worst is over you venture back into your cute undies, only to discover you desecrated those puppies too. Yesterday, in a matter of a few hours, I went through 2 pairs of underwear and shorts.
- The acne is a nightmare. As I’ve gotten older, the acne has migrated South to my chest and neck. They either look like boils or hickeys and they just sit there for what seems like weeks, taunting me like, “I’m not moving”. In the middle of the night I think I scratched a scab off so now it’s probably a permanent scar. Thanks Aunt Flo!
- The cramps are miserable. When I was a teen, I once vomited from the pain of my cramps and I always stayed home on the first day of my period.
- Do you feel like you have to be a ninja in public restrooms while on your period? I do. I say ninja because you have to change out a tampon while not dropping anything on the floor but you also have to somehow get the old one in the disgusting little trash can without touching the trash can. Once, I accidentally dropped a used pad on the ground as I was trying to mummify it and was horrified. I think I stayed in that stall for 15 minutes until anyone that could have seen what happened was done.
- I’m a jerk, a few days leading up to my period.
So ladies, did I leave anything off this list?