The F’ing Water Park

Kalahari Water Park

My oldest turns 12 next week. In January he went with his BFF to Kalahari Water Park to celebrate his birthday. Upon return, P exclaimed he didn’t want a party this year but an overnight at the water park for his birthday.

Eureka! No more designing the perfect invitation, securing the venue, buying the decorations, the cake, assembling swag bags! Like a bad job, this time has passed and it was smooth sailing going forward.

Then I looked at the rates and about fell off my chair.

‘$179,’ I thought would be the starting rate of rooms. I was confident it would be no more than $250 given we were going during spring break. Would you like to know how much 1 night costs at a water park in Sandusky, Ohio? Take a look…..

Kalahari Room Rates

For $299.99, I expect the following amenities in my room:

  • An honor bar
  • A plush, terry cloth robe
  • Luxury toiletries
  • Lavazza coffee maker or French press
  • 400+ thread sheets
  • A pillow menu
  • An umbrella in my closet

But I know, none of the above will be in this shit hole room. Having traveled for work and stayed in all sorts of hotels, there is nothing more that enrages me then paying an exorbitant amount of money for a room solely because of a gimmick or the location. The furniture usually comes from Plywood City and the hotel decorator’s primary job is to decorate nursing homes. The restaurant menu choices are always a $20 cheeseburger or $15 chicken fingers and the toiletries are Dial or Neutrogena. There is nothing wrong with Dial or Neutrogena but there is when hotels are cutting corners and I’ve been known to swipe toiletries like my mother-in-law swipes jellies at restaurants.

My mother-in-law tried to help out, saying her Uncle is retired and works as a bellman at Kallahari. As instructed, I called to inquire about the friends and family rate.

“Oh, those were only for the 1st, 7th and 9th of this month,” the unapologetic sales rep responded.

“Well do you have any sort of discount? Triple A? Government? Specials?”

“Not during peak times,” she said.

This place is turning out to be a real ass hole. This was about the same time my friend posts the following on Facebook:

Kalahari Drinks

Did Costco make this? I learned later that the original drink starts at $30! Are you kidding me? Granted it’s an 8 gallon drum of margarita but if I want to tap out after the first gallon, I shouldn’t waste the other 7. Obviously I’ll be bringing provisions.




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