You Want a Sandwich? Go Ask Your Stupid Hero! Part 3/3

Ok so here is the deal: my oldest P had to pick a hero in his life. He chose my husband on the basis of being “kind” and “patient” and “caring”. I about fell off my chair with the patient comment. Here are the previous posts to get you up to speed: You want a sandwich? Go have your stupid hero make it.

So Tuesday night was this stupid hero sharing night. We all crowded into the classroom eventually not being able to move.

The Microphone

These children DID NOT want to use the microphone the teacher had left for them and I have no idea why. It’s like when you try to offer a very drunk person something to sober up with such as Tylenol, water or coffee and they reject it trying NOT to look drunk. They keep their eyes down because they can’t focus and they speak softly and slowly, trying hard not to slur. All of them acted like this.

In a monotone voice from the back of the room, I hear the teacher say, “David, use the microphone.”

“I don’t need it.”

“Trust me, you do.”

Next kid up:

“Use the microphone Amy.”

“I don’t want to use the microphone.”

“You need it Amy.”

“I don’t need the microphone.”

Sometimes the kids would keep their head down and act like they couldn’t hear the teacher’s request.

Kids Say The Craziest Things

I would kill, I mean kill, to have the transcripts of a few of these hero announcements. The funniest came towards the end with a boy dressed in a neon green shirt, a buzz cut and sitting in the front with an older gentleman. It was time for him to make his presentation. In a fast, monotone voice, not pausing for sentence endings, it went something like this:

My hero tonight I want to talk about is my Papa, we are very lucky that my grandma started dating Papa and now he is with us. I enjoy my papa, papa is an entrepreneur and has his own business. He loves to golf, he takes me sometimes. He is very funny too. One time his friend just got out of jail and Papa offered him a place to stay at his house. To make him feel more comfortable, Papa took the bars off of one of the beds and put them on the window. Papa skydives. The end.

The first child that went up, who actually did the right thing and chose his mom, announced that his mother is strong and brave….especially when she beat up his father. She turned bright red and began to plead her case that this was just a misunderstanding.

Additionally, each child was to draw a picture of their hero. Once I saw the picture that this boy had drawn of his mother, I knew it was my duty to share it with all of you. I know it’s hard to tell but the jaw resembles that of those cartoon bullies.Really the only thing missing is 1 single tooth protruding out. 

Surprisingly there weren’t very many kids choosing their mom as their hero. In fact, about five or six boys chose their fathers. I won’t get into it but it makes me wonder what kind of imprint we are leaving on our children. It was a real relief when I saw my son’s friend choose his father too. Why? Because that poor mother has birthed four, count them 4 sons and has done a great job. And the fact that that little shit did not choose his mother as his hero is beyond me. This will not be forgotten.

Lastly, some kid chose a dead guy or their deceased grandfather and one of the last kids did something very smart: she chose both her parents. Why? Because she is a considerate child.

And before anyone gets serious here and starts pointing out boys worship their dads and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, I get it. It just stung (a lot) and was like a slap in the face and this is my own personal adult meltdown on paper.