You know how like you’ll go on your preferred social media and there will be that one meme or GIF that’s being shared non-stop because it’s funny? Like after several days you’re still seeing it? But then there’s always that one friend that finds a nugget of a meme or GIF that you’ve never seen before. It’s so good that it trumps all the standard stuff being shared out there. You always wonder where this friend finds this stuff and you thank the baby Jesus that they’re your friend and hope they’ll keep it coming.
This is one of those nuggets!
She sent me this PDF just now and as I read it, I kept waiting for the HAHA moment. Like the last paragraph was going to be a snarky “ok I got you and it was good” but it never happened. The header looked pretty official but hell, I could do that with Microsoft Word. After prying her a bit further of where she found this, I went on Google and queried sex during coronavirus Washington DC. Sure as shit, this is a real letter, created by the Mayor’s office of Washington D.C. created as “guidance” of how to conduct your sex life during the current pandemic. So take a moment to read it and I’ll catch you on the other side for my commentary.
Sex During Coronavirus
I have so many questions and comments that I can’t see straight. Firstly, how did this even come up? Were they all on a zoom coronavirus task force meeting, discussing how to get the word out on Coronavirus when one staffer pipes up,
“I think people are confused about if they should have sex during a pandemic. I think Mayor Bowser needs to issue a statement.”
They all nod in agreement and begin bouncing ideas off of each other.
“Do we include verbiage on anal beads?” One staffer asks.
“Naw, that’s too hardcore but I really think we need to include information on rimming,” another staffer says. The call goes quiet for a second. One by one, people begin looking down at their phones, entering the term rimming into Google so they don’t have to actually ask what rimming is.
“Maybe we should encourage masturbation!” Someone suggests with the same excitement a contestant has on the Price is Right.
The masturbation idea gets a resounding agreement. By now, the ideas are flowing like water. Someone in charge of collecting all the ideas is vigorously righting on a whiteboard in the background. Her hand is cramping from the ideas.
“Should we just put anus on the letter? What if they’ve never called it an anus before and only have called it a butt. I think we should put butt/anus. Thoughts?”
“Maybe we use the word bottom?” A senior staffer suggests gesturing.
The manager chimes in, “I like butt/anus. Sarah, write butt/anus.” Sarah scribbles butt/anus on the whiteboard.
This letter was a gross misuse of time and effort. But I want to thank the local leaders of Washington D.C. for creating it because it was seriously laughable. I do want to tell these people though to back off. What people do in their bedrooms is of no concern to them. This is when the government must realize that there are some areas of our private lives they should not “advise” on. If you don’t believe this letter is real, here is the link.