I thought it would be amazing to conduct an imaginary conversation between 2019 me and 2020 me given the coronavirus situation. Indulge me folks, as my humor is how I keep sane right now.
2019 Me: Wow, this is amazing you’re able to travel back in time. It’s kinda lame that it’s only a 6-month travel. Why not travel back to like 1776 or something.
2020 Me: Well ass hole, I’d like to think my visit is to help you.
2019 Me: LOL! Yep, you’re definitely me. Anyway, how’s the weather?
2020 Me: How’s the….how’s the weather? Oh my God, we need to talk. Look, there’s a virus coming to the U.S.
2019 Me: Like a computer virus?
2020 Me: Ha! You’re adorbs, I wish. No, there’s gonna be a pandemic.
2019 Me: Wait…what? That’s something that happens globally…a sickness.
2020 Me: Damn girl, you’re so smart. Yeah….a sickness, stay with me here. It’s gonna start in China, ravish Italy and make its way towards America.
2019 Me: Well, we’ll obviously catch it at the borders. It’s 2019, they can figure this shit out.
2020 Me: Oh my God you are so fuckin’ stupid. Here, let me catch your attention: your children will be home from early March and schools will probably be closed for the rest of the school year.
2019 Me: Wait……what?
2020 Me: Oh, gotch your attention now, do I? Yeah, initially you’ll be told that it’s a 3-week spring break but rumors are that it’s the rest of the year. Oklahoma just confirmed it’s the rest of the year. They’re trying to do it all online.
2019 Me: Let’s back up a bit. First of all, what’s the sickness?
2020 Me: Coronavirus
2019 Me: You get it from drinking Coronas?
2020 Me: No, it’s because the virus looks like a crown.
2019 Me: Oh, I didn’t know corona means crown.
2020 Me: Look, I don’t know if it does, you asked me, I’m telling you what I know. Anyway, here in Ohio they’re going to shut down the gyms.
2019 Me: Thank God! That will give me an excuse to NOT go to the gym.
2020 Me: Yeah but there’s something else.
2019 Me: What?
2020 Me: I don’t want to scare you.
2019 Me: I can handle it, just tell me.
2020 Me: The schools are closed. The restaurants are shutting down, only carry out allowed. No one from China or Europe is allowed to travel here. California, New York and Illinois are on lockdown. Locally the beauty shops, BMV, nail salons and tattoo shops are shut down. Everyone is telecommuting. Everyone’s supposed to be staying away from everyone. It’s called social distancing.
2019 Me: Shut the fuck up!
2020 Me: No, I’m serious.
2019 Me: (Pours an 8-gallon drum of wine) So are people like flipping out? What’s it look like out there?
2020 Me: Well buy a case of toilet paper from work because you won’t be able to find it anywhere. These morons are hoarding it like it’s the new currency. The grocery stores can’t keep up with the hoarders because these ass holes are hoarding everything. You’ll go to the meat department and it’s gone. They just can’t keep up!
2019 Me: I don’t like what you’re telling me.
2020 Me: Just trying to prepare you. Ironically, you buy a new car in March. Perfect timing considering the global recession we’re on the brink of.
2019 Me: I have a knack for that.
2020 Me: I know. Well, I need to go. I’ll come back and update you in a week.
2019 Me: Ok. I’m going to go jump off a bridge now.