In my twenties and some of my thirties, I worked for a fashion brand that was part of a conglomerate of brands, including a well-known lingerie store. This afforded me a generous in-store discount of 40%. But alas, even with a 40% discount, the thongs and bras were still too expensive.
This got me thinking. Though the lingerie was/is beautiful, is it worth putting up with the shenanigans you encounter, every time you want to buy a t-shirt bra? Is being checked on every three minutes, worth that little lacy number you wanted to get for your anniversary? I decided the topic deserved a post and you, my gentle reader, get to enjoy my rant.
5 Truths When Shopping a Lingerie Store
Attack
You will be pounced on within the first thirty seconds of entry into the store; I guarantee you this. The sales associates prowl the panty fixture, waiting to make contact. They’re like an incessant mother attempting to get more than one-worded answers from their teenager. It’s as if “just browsing” isn’t an acceptable answer. Trust me, I’ve tried, it doesn’t work.
Men are Fresh Meat
I don’t mean this in an insulting way but guys, you become very vulnerable in lingerie stores. You don’t know where you should look, if you should look and if you should touch anything. Allow me to demonstrate:
Lingerie employee: Welcome to Tap Dat Ass. What brings you in today?
Man: My wife. My wife brings me in. But she’s not here. I swear I’m married (holds up left hand uncomfortably). I just need panties but I don’t need panties. My wife needs panties. I mean, she doesn’t need panties, I would like to gift her panties for our anniversary.
Lingerie employee: Ok, what size does she wear?
Man: 5 ounces.
Lingerie employee: Excuse me?
Man: I mean 34 B and medium. I have $200 in my pocket (holding out crinkled twenty dollar bills). Please take my money and spend it for me.
Having worked retail, this is just one variation of this exchange. Guys don’t want to be there and have no idea what to buy. This usually results in whichever employee helping him, to have the highest sales for the day.
Bra Measuring
I don’t know if they still do it but I remember being asked by sales associates if I wanted to be measured for a bra. No thank you, I’ll leave the groping to my husband. I always found the exchange very awkward. I’m just throwing out ideas here but perhaps when you get a mammogram, that’s when you should be measured for a bra. I mean after all, after a mammogram, the nurse and your ta-tas are practically braiding each other’s hair thanks to the close encounters.
NO! I Don’t Want a Stupid Credit Card!
I’ve resorted to lying to get out of this exchange at the wrap desk. They’ll promise the moon and stars if you open a credit card. They don’t even call it a credit card these days. They’ll use feminine words like, “would you like to open a rose card and save 10% off your first purchase?” Listen, let’s be real. Sure you’ll save 10% off the lingerie and the guy will probably call you back. But in 6 months when you default on your “rose card”, the only man calling you is the guy at the collection agency.
I Don’t Feel Sexy In These Stores
Look, you can hang all the marketing in the world of a 22-year-old with watermelon breasts, pouting at the camera because she’s been a 
“naughty girl” but this won’t remove any of our muffin tops or make my boobs bigger. Truth be told, I feel like a wrinkled, hunch back, fat-ass, gross, frumpy curmudgeon walking the aisles of pieces of fabric that I know my ass would swallow up like quicksand. I’m not suggesting they put Margaret, from down the street in the marketing, but between the air-brushing, lighting and Photoshop, you’re left with women that almost look alien.
How to Shop Lingerie Without the Hassle!
Shop online girl! That way you can order lingerie, panties and bras and try them on in the privacy of your own home. You don’t risk being attacked by overzealous sales associates or being asked ten times to open up a “rose card”. I found a great place that is affordable, unbelievably sexy and convenient at Hustler Hollywood! And make sure you save the Hustler Hollywood link because Valentine’s Day is in just 6 weeks! They already have amazing little numbers for the most romantic holiday of the year. The best part? In addition to the sexy lingerie, they also have “toys” and I’m not talking the ones that Mattel makes.
*This is a sponsored post by Hustler Hollywood. More sexy lingerie can be found here! All reviews and opinions expressed in this post are based on my personal view!
Awesome piece HM!! I hate shopping for bras because it’s so ugh. I literally have found a bra I like and the size that fits, and just order the same style and size all the time over the internet. Same bra – different colours and styles!
Too bad Hustler Hollywood doesn’t ship to Canada because I would have done a little shopping!
Thank you T!! Aren’t bras just like nail polish…wait, scratch that. You are queen of nails so I am totally talking to the wrong person. For us peasants that only change out our colors like once a year, bras are just like that. If you find one that fits, you don’t mess with it! I wish they delivered to Canada for you! Perhaps in the future?
Haha! I am not the queen of nails but I am working towards maybe being a duchess? That would be ok! ?
Gigglingfattie posted about your blog entry today, and I just *had* to read this. I feel as though I’m peeking into the world of women, though. 😀 Thank God men don’t have to go through this. It”s much easier at Walmart finding boxers. 😉
Thanks for stopping by! Perhaps that’s an unfilled niche?! They could have like Victor’s Secret or something so you too could be badgered like us women! LOL! Alas though, I don’t know which is worse, the badgering at a lingerie shop or the cries of a Kool-Aid mustached baby in WalMart! Thanks for stopping by!
Love this hot mess!
I always wonder if the shop assistants are on commission with their over-zealous keenness to help you find boob-covers. I haaaate bra shopping.
Boob covers? OMG! I think I’ve found my new word to use! Makes me sound like a car or a grill. I’m so glad you liked this! Thank you!
Lol well the lighting in lingerie shops makes it about as flattering as a car or grill! 😉
LOL! I’m particularly fond of how the light catches my muffin top as I bend over in the dressing room!
I didn’t sell lingerie, but I did work for one of those stores that makes their employees push credit cards like they were the last Cabbage Patch in ’83 and learned a little trick; if you tell the associate you’re closing on a house (or something similar), they will back down immediately because it means your credit will be on lock down and they won’t be successful.
I have NEVER heard that trick and I absolutely love it! Then that would also gauge how savvy they are with credit to see if they stop bugging you to open a card, knowing the negative effects. Thank you! I’m totally using that tip next time!
Happy to help! 🙂
“T” said I should come over so here I am. I am totally in agreement with the above and stay away from those stores as much as possible. However, I have recently lost about 50 pounds and so I really do need to try some new bras on. I did order some of my favorite undies online in a smaller size and it felt so good. I’ll check your links. Happy 2020 and good luck!
Thank you sooo much and congrats on the weight loss! That’s like a 2nd grader! You lost the size of a child! Do you realize that? It’s always so nice to buy things in a smaller size. Don’t you think?! Happy New Year!
I didn’t think about it like that but yes!
Hilarious!
But I’ve always bought mine online.
Thank you!
Well…you know…
I’d feel weird doing it in person.
Hmmm, I’ve never received lingerie as a gift from The Hub…maybe I should make him go through it, lol. I’m in Oz, so after reading T’s comment I won’t peek at Hustler Hollywood (why be tempted when the checkout will reject me, lol).
Perhaps a dumb question but when you say Oz, do you mean Australia? I’m sure it’s only matter of time till they are all over the world. But yes, please let me know if you do put hubs through it because I think it could be magical!!! LOL!
Lol, sorry, yes I mean Australia. We like to shorten everything we say (eg maccas = MacDonalds)
Maccas? I’ve never heard that before. Our version of shortening it is Micky D’s. Not so shortened I guess. Well we had Maccas today for breakfast. We’re health conscious like that.
(I think my comment was eaten by cyber gremlins, so apologies if it appears twice).
LOL, yes, I’m Australian. I forget not everyone gets “Aussie” – we shorten everything we say (eg even MacDonalds refers to itself as Maccas here now, because that’s what we all call it).
You’re good! I got it! I learned something new today, knowing you guys call it Maccas!
Whew! I’m so glad I don’t have to go through painful and irritating experience!! I’ll continue to buy my boxer briefs at TJMaxx!!
Yeah….until some idiot creates Victor’s Secret. Then you’ll be nagged like me! LOL!