In my twenties and some of my thirties, I worked for a fashion brand that was part of a conglomerate of brands, including a well-known lingerie store. This afforded me a generous in-store discount of 40%. But alas, even with a 40% discount, the thongs and bras were still too expensive.
This got me thinking. Though the lingerie was/is beautiful, is it worth putting up with the shenanigans you encounter, every time you want to buy a t-shirt bra? Is being checked on every three minutes, worth that little lacy number you wanted to get for your anniversary? I decided the topic deserved a post and you, my gentle reader, get to enjoy my rant.
5 Truths When Shopping a Lingerie Store
You will be pounced on within the first thirty seconds of entry into the store; I guarantee you this. The sales associates prowl the panty fixture, waiting to make contact. They’re like an incessant mother attempting to get more than one-worded answers from their teenager. It’s as if “just browsing” isn’t an acceptable answer. Trust me, I’ve tried, it doesn’t work.
Men are Fresh Meat
I don’t mean this in an insulting way but guys, you become very vulnerable in lingerie stores. You don’t know where you should look, if you should look and if you should touch anything. Allow me to demonstrate:
Lingerie employee: Welcome to Tap Dat Ass. What brings you in today?
Man: My wife. My wife brings me in. But she’s not here. I swear I’m married (holds up left hand uncomfortably). I just need panties but I don’t need panties. My wife needs panties. I mean, she doesn’t need panties, I would like to gift her panties for our anniversary.
Lingerie employee: Ok, what size does she wear?
Man: 5 ounces.
Lingerie employee: Excuse me?
Man: I mean 34 B and medium. I have $200 in my pocket (holding out crinkled twenty dollar bills). Please take my money and spend it for me.
Having worked retail, this is just one variation of this exchange. Guys don’t want to be there and have no idea what to buy. This usually results in whichever employee helping him, to have the highest sales for the day.
I don’t know if they still do it but I remember being asked by sales associates if I wanted to be measured for a bra. No thank you, I’ll leave the groping to my husband. I always found the exchange very awkward. I’m just throwing out ideas here but perhaps when you get a mammogram, that’s when you should be measured for a bra. I mean after all, after a mammogram, the nurse and your ta-tas are practically braiding each other’s hair thanks to the close encounters.
NO! I Don’t Want a Stupid Credit Card!
I’ve resorted to lying to get out of this exchange at the wrap desk. They’ll promise the moon and stars if you open a credit card. They don’t even call it a credit card these days. They’ll use feminine words like, “would you like to open a rose card and save 10% off your first purchase?” Listen, let’s be real. Sure you’ll save 10% off the lingerie and the guy will probably call you back. But in 6 months when you default on your “rose card”, the only man calling you is the guy at the collection agency.
I Don’t Feel Sexy In These Stores
Look, you can hang all the marketing in the world of a 22-year-old with watermelon breasts, pouting at the camera because she’s been a “naughty girl” but this won’t remove any of our muffin tops or make my boobs bigger. Truth be told, I feel like a wrinkled, hunch back, fat-ass, gross, frumpy curmudgeon walking the aisles of pieces of fabric that I know my ass would swallow up like quicksand. I’m not suggesting they put Margaret, from down the street in the marketing, but between the air-brushing, lighting and Photoshop, you’re left with women that almost look alien.
How to Shop Lingerie Without the Hassle!
Shop online girl! That way you can order lingerie, panties and bras and try them on in the privacy of your own home. You don’t risk being attacked by overzealous sales associates or being asked ten times to open up a “rose card”. I found a great place that is affordable, unbelievably sexy and convenient at Hustler Hollywood! And make sure you save the Hustler Hollywood link because Valentine’s Day is in just 6 weeks! They already have amazing little numbers for the most romantic holiday of the year. The best part? In addition to the sexy lingerie, they also have “toys” and I’m not talking the ones that Mattel makes.
*This is a sponsored post by Hustler Hollywood. More sexy lingerie can be found here! All reviews and opinions expressed in this post are based on my personal view!