Pop Culture · Ridiculousness · Work

15 Corporate Terms We Hate Part 2

I have been a part of the corporate world most of my life. I realize that a few folks reading this may have corporate on their horizon or eventually get back into corporate. I want you to be prepared to speak their (somewhat ridiculous) language.

In addition to corporate often times resembling an episode of Big Brother, there is a whole lot of terminology that they love to use, especially the bigger douches. If I were to look up proper grammar, I would say a few of the below phrases aren’t even proper. But when you’ve got a guy with a ladies size 7 shoe and an ego to match it, who am I to step in?

This is part 2 of a 3 part series. You can read 16 Corporate Terms We Hate Part 1 by clicking the link. Also note, I wrote this list like 3 years ago but the chart was barely readable so I’m resurrecting it! Enjoy!

Communication

Corporate Term

  • Partner with ______
  • Reach out to _______

Meaning

  • Talk with _________

Corporate Term

  • Let’s connect
  • Touchbase

Meaning

  • Let’s talk

Corporate Term

  • We need to show a sense of urgency

Meaning

  • You need to haul ass.

Corporate Term

  • Can you speak to ________? (I hate this one so much. Which moron came up with this one?)

Meaning

  • Can you talk about _________?

Corporate Term

  • Shoot me an e-mail.

Meaning

  • Send me an email.

Corporate Term

  • Follow up

Meaning

  • Micromanager manager
  • I don’t trust you

Corporate Term

  • What are your asks? (Again, really, really hate this one!)

Meaning

  • What do you want?

Corporate Term

  • I’d like to piggyback on that.

Meaning

  • Someone uses what you just said to fill in what they feel are “holes”. But now they’ve made you sound unorganized and vague because they just out did you. (ass holes)

Corporate Term

  • What’s on your plate right now?

Meaning

  • Can I give you more shit to do?

Teamwork

Corporate Term

  • Let’s divide and conquer.

Meaning

  • I don’t want to do all my work so I’ll pretend this is a group project.

Corporate Term

  • Onboarding (as the new person)

Meaning

  • Boring meetings with your new co-workers to learn about what they do. While they talk, you zone out and begin to think about what’s on tv tonight.

Corporate Term

  • Onboarding (as an existing employee)

Meaning

  • Boring meeting with a new person that you try to send the following subliminals to: “run away” or “they will take your soul!”

Corporate Term

  • Team Building Exercise

Meaning

  • An outside company that convinced someone at your company to drop $300 per person to take an 8 hour class of stupid activities that will never be beneficial in any aspect whatsoever.

Corporate Term

  • Synergy

Meaning

  • No translation. This is just a really stupid term I hope your virgin ears never has to hear.

Corporate Phrase

  • Cross functional partners

Meaning

  • A fancy term for other departments. It also makes people feel smart when they say this.

Terms for Taking Advantage of Employees

Corporate Term

  • Stretch opportunity

Meaning

  • More work given to an employee without a raise or promotion.

Corporate Term

  • I don’t have the bandwidth.

Meaning

  • A polite way of saying, “I’m overwhelmed and you can’t put anymore shit on me.”

Corporate Term

  • I don’t have the resources.

Meaning

  • You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip. Have a soul man!

So what did you think of this installment? Come at me with some more terms! I know you guys have them! What are they and what do they mean? I’ll get the 3rd and final installment out within the next week or so!

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