I’ve been a mom now for roughly 13 years and have run into all types of moms. My favorites? The ones that admit motherhood is tough (sucks) and admit they lose their shit sometimes. And that’s ok. They still love their kids beyond belief despite this revelation and I wrote about it here a while back: It’s OK to Admit Motherhood Sucks Sometimes!
I’ve been thinking about several types of moms that get on my livin’ last nerve. Ones that when they post cheesy-ass shit on social media, I wanna be like, “Really? Really? You felt the need to post 25 minutes after giving birth that you feel blessed because a cantaloupe just came out of your va-ja-ja?” Anyway, below are the 4 off the top of my head that really drive me insane.
The Visible Yet Vacant Mother
This woman has 43 Pinterest boards all dedicated to kid’s stuff and makes the best 7 layer bean dip for tailgating. The problem is found when she texts you at 11 am on a Saturday and says “Can you please send Toby back home by 11 PM?”
‘Uhhhhhh…..that’s like 12 hours from now.’
Or she is always on her fucking phone, paying absolutely no attention to her kid during sports events, dinners, etc. She’ll be on her iPad playing Words With Friends or something else that is completely obliterating her brain cells by the second.
She’ll usually post inspirational quotes about being a mother on Facebook and you throw up in your mouth a little knowing that little Toby is going to grow up to be the next subject case on The First 48. She’s not afraid to also post shit like, “I just love being a mother” or “motherhood has made me the beautiful woman I am today”.
What? Fat and despondent?
And yet, when this ignored child comes over and they announce they are starving and you ask them what they had for breakfast and they respond “mountain dew,” you finally see whats really happening.
The Hypochondriac Mother
“Epson can’t have bread unless it’s gluten-free. He’s not gluten intolerant I just saw an episode of The View once where Whoopi said she feels better now not eating gluten so Epson isn’t going to eat gluten.”
“Toby can’t have nuts. He’s not allergic, I just don’t want to risk it.”
This train wreck carries around hand sanitizer, baby wipes and Clorox wipes everywhere and will be the reason why the world ends because germs become immune to her Bath and Body Works mystic blueberry hand sanitizer.
Joan Crawford Mother
It’s that mom that screams at her kid in the grocery aisle and you think to yourself:
‘Do I say something?’
Oh my God, this mentally unstable mother drives me insane the most. I want to backhand her; truly. And it’s always some sloth that has the grooming habits of a bum. I want to tell her that her feral children behave this way because she’s screaming at them all day long. This bitch needs to go on mood stabilizers as she’s just raising another generation of Sam Kinisons.
The Overachiever Mom
This mom…..this mom…..I’m currently rolling my eyes as I think about this mom. This mom is pathetic and annoying as fuck. She’s not above having a family website for all the friends that don’t care about her life, to come see whats happening with her family of 4. She knows the customer service reps at Snapfish on a first name basis. She’ll post pictures of her children sleeping on Christmas eve with cheesy captions like, “Dreaming of dancing sugar plums.” It doesn’t matter if it’s Thanksgiving or Arbor day, she WILL BE the first to post no less than 10 pictures of her children celebrating the event.
Look folks, all I’m saying is parenting is HARD AS FUCK! It’s ok to admit it. I just get annoyed by the parents who clearly get this concept but are in denial and refuse to even show the slightest hint of frustration. Sure, there are a few naturals but then again, there are also the occasional priests and nuns out there too. Theres no harm in supporting each other and admitting weakness.