Hot Mess Gives Tips to Newly Minted 30 Year Olds

tips for the new 30 somethings

Today was my boss’s 30th birthday. I must say, she has her shit together! A steady job as a Merchandising Manager, adorable and has a beautiful condo in a hipster area of C-bus. She is kind and understanding. I think I’ll keep her around for a while. 😉

Then today I learned that one of my blogging best friends-No Love For Fatties (sorry, I may not be one of your blogging BFF’s but you are mine, so deal) is turning 30 shortly. Since I don’t live in the same country as you, I figured I can give you a virtual gift- knowledge. Yes, I shall give you the gift of Hot Mess knowledge. Especially since I turned 40 3 months ago. Since I have a solid 10 years on you, here are tips and knowledge I bestow upon you. Your welcome.

  1. You are going to get zits on wrinkles. I know, incredibly cruel. Then you are left with the debate: do I address the zit or the wrinkle? The answer is neither. Just leave them alone- they’ll work themselves out!
  2. Moisturize the fuck out of your eye sockets! I think I woke up on day 1 of being 40, looked at my eyes and I was like “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I saw lines that were on par with origami. I don’t care if you have to smear lard around your eyes, just do it. Trust me.
  3. Your gonna drink more but not be able to stay up as late. Look, you may have a perfect life and bravo if you do. If you don’t, drink, enjoy and it’s ok!
  4. On your 30th, go to Starbucks and before you pay state the following: “I’m turning 30 today and treating myself!” If all goes as planned, they will pick up the tab of your mocha, frappa, venti, choco, whatever. I did this on my 30th and ended up with a free coffee.
  5. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE announce you “feel old” now when your 30. My boss did and I wanted to cut a bitch….lovingly of coarse!
  6. Just know your self confidence is going to sky rocket. As you grow deeper into the wonderful 30’s, you don’t give a fuck about all the shit you used to give a fuck about. Suddenly, if you were up tight, you are now the more laid back person in the group.
  7. Thank the baby Jesus, your period gets lighter. Not like middle-aged, hot flashes, erased; but you aren’t having a miscarriage every month. Not only does it get lighter but it doesn’t last for an entire week. Every person is different, but I do hope this happens to you!
  8. Occasionally you are going to be the oldest person in the circle or on the “old end” and it’s going to blow. The question is, do you look like the oldest person? If not, you are sittin’ pretty!
  9. Contrary to popular belief, you are more fit in your 30’s. Why? Because you are mature enough to tell yourself no. I don’t know why, I guess you gain more will power?? Plus, I think your appetite goes down. In your 20’s your eating all sorts of shit….at all hours of the day.
  10. Do not stop learning. Don’t shit on new social media that will inevitably come up. Don’t get comfortable, no matter how much of a pain it is. I’m not a huge Instagram user but because I’ve adapted, I can easily have a conversation with my 12 year old about what Doug The Pug did. You feel me?

So, that is my wisdom. Sure…..it’s after 3 glasses of wine…..but I think it’s pretty legit. You probably won’t appreciate this wisdom till after several years in your 30’s but it’s cool. So love, all I have to say is:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

Share the laughs with friends!

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