As I grow increasingly confused on when the right time is to talk to my oldest about sex, I am reminded about my adventure, or lack of regarding the topic. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we on how I became acquainted with the topic.
To understand, I need to take you back to Lil’ Hot Mess and her understanding of the birds and bees. When I was 8, I remember my mother going into the sole book shop in our town and purchasing this large, coffee table like book called “Where Did I Come From.” Inside were cartoon drawings of seemingly the grossest individuals you would ever want to envision having sex. Not only was the guy bald but had a massive gut. The woman was fat too with big curly hair and don’t forget the 70’s bush. Jesus, I thought it was going to engulf both cartoon characters. As an 8 year old, I wasn’t expecting porn characters but come on…have some dignity.
The irony was that my mom didn’t make hot chocolate one night and sit down next to me in our living room wanting to explain the whole sex thing to me. No, she strategically positioned the book in the guestroom/game room at the time so we would find it while playing a game of Mario Brothers while snacking on our Hot Pocket.
One day when my sister was too sick to play Super Mario Brothers, I decided to pull out the white book. It was a train wreck I couldn’t look away from. It was awful and dreadful on so many levels. I already kinda’ had the jest of sex and I didn’t need these 2 hayseeds ruining it for me. Besides, these 2 looked just 1 month away from menopause and Cialis. Why would we be using them as sexual examples?
A year or so after that, my mother took the plunge and went in for the kill. We may have been at Captain D’s or something when she asked, “You know about the birds and bees, right?”
Seeing that I wanted to immediately remove myself from this discussion, I nonchalantly responded with “yeah”.
So that was my experience. How was yours? Did your parent awkwardly give you the talk? I would love to hear as I prepare to give P his talk at some point in the next 5 to 10 years.