Fur Babies Are Not A Thing

Fur babies

I’m writing this post thanks to my neighbor from across the street who declared they didn’t celebrate Christmas last year because one of their 3 golden retrievers died 6 months before that. They have decided to have a Christmas this year because Chester (new puppy) deserves it and is her fur baby. If I hear 1 more person put a dog and a child in the same class, I am going to lose my shit, starting with my neighbor.

If you are a “fur parent” (your words, not mine) reading this, you are probably going to be offended. I would recommend just turning around and finding a blog for stay at home moms of fur babies or something.

I get it when Petsmart advertises Gifts For Your Fur Baby. They have to do that, that is how they make money. Marketing was never built on the truth. A marketing departments’ only goal is to SELL, SELL, SELL. What I’m getting at is that just because Petsmart or any other pet company calls an animal a furbaby, doesn’t condone nor justifying you calling your animal, your child.

As a parent of 2 young sons and the owner of a 14-year-old chihuahua, I feel qualified to list how a dog and a child differ. I’ll even put it in chronological order:

AGE 0-4

  • The acquisition of a puppy does not equate to a $3,000 delivery cost after insurance or a $20,000 adoption fee for a child. Additionally, you probably won’t have to get an epidural nor a 2 month home study complete with finger prints like you do for a human adoption.
  • You do not put your hand up to your puppy’s nose each night confirming they are still breathing, terrified he will be in the .05% of infants that die of SIDS.
  • You do not breastfeed a puppy.
  • Babies average 70 diapers a week. Have you ever put a diaper on your dog?
  • Have you ever put a onesie on a puppy? In the dark at 2 a.m., then again at 4 a.m.?
  • You can leave a puppy alone all day, in a cage. You cannot leave a 10-year-old home alone for more than 30 minutes (that’s my own personal opinion of course) let alone all day….and in a cage.
  • The guilt of leaving a puppy for a day of work vs. the guilt of leaving your child with a caregiver isn’t even in the same realm. Questions and doubt flood your mind. Am I a good mom? Should I stay home? Will my sons be complete misfits because mom had to work 40+ hours? Also on this point, you are not paying $1,000+ a month to establishments such as Kinder Kare or Lil’ Tykes daycare to watch over your world.

By the way, as I type this, my dog is currently licking her ass on my sofa. I’m guessing I will never see that behavior from my children at any point of their lives.

AGE 5-8

  • Humans can go to college, dogs do not. As a pet owner, you are not pouring over investment options trying to decide if an age based investment plan or a manual investment plan is the best route for college savings. You do not cringe when you realize you have lost thousands for college in 2008 during the crash.
  • During sex, your dog may be in the same room. Kids never.
  • You do not have to move an Elf every GODDAMN NIGHT between Thanksgiving and Christmas for your dog. And it’s not just “moving” the elf anymore. No, to stay competitive with the stay-at-homes, you have to create “scenes” like the elf taking a bubble bath in a bowl full of cotton balls.
  • Dogs do not come to you with tears streaming down their face because they didn’t win their soccer game and you are the sole person that can provide comfort to them. You sit with them while reassuring them their strengths while they cry it out. Inside you have died a little because you never want to see your kid in pain.
  • Children show domination by Pokemon cards or what they are really good at. When I go to my sister’s house, her chihuahua Gabby is cowering in fear when she sees my chihuahua, Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi looks at her with a ‘well let’s get started’ look. 30 seconds later I am nudging Chi-Chi off her victim. We haven’t got to the teenage years but if I were a bettin’ gal, I’m guessing this act of domination doesn’t happen.

AGE 9-12

  • Your dog may get tired or have separation anxiety but it’s nothing like the attitude of a tweener or teenager.
  • You will never have to check your dog’s Instagram account nightly, worried that some pedophile is luring him in.
  • Your dog will not be standing in front of the mirror one morning before school, asking you to put gel in their hair for the first time because they have a crush on a girl and want to impress her.
  • Smartphones, Beats, Xbox 1 games and Abercrombie and Fitch will never be on Rex’s Christmas list. Meanwhile next door, a mother is spending money she doesn’t have so her child won’t be disappointed Christmas morning.
  • My dog has eaten her own shit before. Real children do not do this.

This is my message: please don’t compare your dog to my children. I’ve worked hard at being a good parent, don’t discount it.

“Chi-chi! Stop licking your ass! You’ll have ass breath!”

 

 

 

 

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