Puppies and Inappropriate Craig’s List Posts

I CAN’T STOP LOOKING AT PUPPIES! That’s all I do with my free time is go on petfinder.com and look at dogs. Well, in all fairness, I do scour the internet for dog run ideas between puppy searches. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism with the uncertainty of the world right now? I don’t know.

I’m incredibly stressed at work and I’m incredibly stressed about my children’s future. The governor, whom I lose a little more respect for at each press conference, refuses to nail down a plan about youth sports. Had I not just made myself a latte this afternoon, I would have thrown my coffee mug at the tv when he delayed plans AGAIN for sports.

So Tonight, We Say F#$% It!

Tonight, we say fuck it, we’re taking a day off from the world. You and I are ignoring all the problems right now and having some super stupid fun. If you’re a Karen (and I mean the internet Karen’s not normal Karens. Normal Karens are simply lovely) or troll and don’t think fun is appropriate right now, you know where the door is.

So the other night, I introduced my husband to the missed connections option on Craig’s List. The first one I showed him was entitled “FIST”. You do the math. I had to explain to him that these people clearly don’t understand Facebook and chose to use Craig’s List to “find” someone. It’s also full of sick puppies (not the kind I’m searching for obviously).

What I can’t wrap my head around is that most of the post authors can’t string a grammatically-correct sentence together to save their lives. Yet, half of them talk in a code that leaves me Googling their words so I understand what exactly is going on. So, without further adieu, here is the next batch of Craig’s List Missed Connections!

Quarantine Bush

The answer is no. I don’t have quarantine bush. I’m quarantined, not my vajaja. She’s considered an essential worker during the pandemic.

Pipe Cleaner

I read this several times and I’m going to go out on a limb here and guesstimate we aren’t talking about plumbing. So is the poop shoot the white or black pipe or logistically, am I going about this the wrong way? Please explain.

A Nice Girl to Breed

Well, he’s a sick fuck but a funny sick fuck. Firstly, we aren’t cattle. “A nice girl to breed?” I’m surprised you didn’t add, “requires large birthing hips.” We won’t address the milk thing because I’m throwing up in my mouth as I write this. But hey, at least he’s fun as hell.

Fun!

I’m available for fun, but only, ONLY, this morning. So all special females, you have approximately one hour and fifteen minutes to respond to WM or you’ve missed the window. I love how he’s “casually gay”. To be clear, I’m a man looking for a woman but if the woman has to bring along a man, that’s totally fine too. Pulleeezzzee……

Mooom!!

You know what I would absolutely love? If this woman invited this wackjob in and wackjob thinks he’s going to get laid, only to discover she has a sore back and really just wants a back massage.

“Dude what did you think would happen? I work full-time and have 2 kids, I’m too tired for sex. Now, rub my back.”

Well folks, that’s all I have in me right now. The puppies are calling and I need to pick out my next sidekick! Until next time!